we are very well, thank you.

2009-06-15T13:15:00.004-04:00

Dear Stephanie
I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year. The time with her has been so easy and great. We get along great and I'm pretty happy. The relationship is easy and laidback. Our one year anniversary is coming up and I'm thinking about telling her that I'd like to move in with her. She's made it clear that she wants to move in and I know she'd be into the idea, but I just want to make sure the time is right and that our anniversary is the right time to bring it up.

Sincerely
Ready & Waiting

.................................................................................

Dear Ready & Waiting
Congrats on having what sounds like a wonderful relationship! There was something about the succinctness with which you described the relationship that imparts an atmoshpere of ease and clarity.
As for whether it's the right time, I say of course: if you're ready and you know she is too I think this will be a decision that will be surrounded by light and joy. It seems though as if you're wondering if this ought to be your gift or not.

I have to say not.

While definitely the right time, that isn't the right vehicle. You and she are joining your lives and it shouldn't be looked as a concession or anything like that. If so the whole decision takes on a slight sacrificial tone at the least, a slight ego-maniacal quality at most.

However I do think your anniversary is a good time to bring it up and great way to be quite romantic. To start I think that you can just reiterate what you wrote to me and let her know that this is an easy and logical choice for you.

Perhaps something like this: 'Today we've been together a year and when I really think about that, I realize our relationship has been easy for us and the time has really flown by. Knowing this and trusting how we've handled the last year and everything that's come up makes any of the anxiety or apprehension I have sort of go away. I'd love to move forward with you and if you're still interested I'd love to start looking for a place to live together.'

Or something like that. Whatever you do just don't be a Glen Gulia.

Yikes.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!

...................................................................

For everyone out there - let me know what you think! Ladies, would you want your guy to combine something like this on a big day or save it for another to make a new anniversary? Guys, have any great stories about these big steps that you maybe messed up a bit?? Let me know!

2009-06-02T13:16:00.003-04:00

Something is amiss in the land of Blogger.

I do not see a title bar. Will this post even go through? Is this all for not? Probs.

So just to catch you all up who are possibly still following this blog: I'm doing medium-sized things!

I have a 27th birthday coming up. I was laid off earlier this year and in an effort to not go literally insane with the frenetic idleness of it all, I'm trying to make strides of my own. I applied for a grant for a documentary, I started the first chapter of 'my first book' (WEIRD), I started the first step in a very funny little booklet I'm making, and I sent in my radio show pitch (fingers crossed please).

All of these things feel like...well...hi it's about time! But I think that very idea is what has continuously stalled me to this day: the idea that I 'missed the boat'.

However, I was listening to This American Life the other day (of course) and there was a story a man was telling about his parents that had been recently laid off. He went to visit them shortly after and he had audio of his mother's answer when he asked the inevitble: Now what?

"Well, I always wanted to do a book on the unseen rooms at Versailles."

This was a woman who had for many, many years, been a sales associate at a jewelry retailer in the local mall. What creativity! What balls, really is the first thing I thought.

...after I stopped crying, that is.

I won't say that this immediately inspired me to light the fire and take on the world. I have super intrusive and gripping issues with self-actualizing, going after what I want without fear, and just generally knowing what that even is. But I think for the time being this woman is serving as a little nugget of proof that my current idea that it's 'too late', or that I look foolish taking on such projects that ought to have been explored at a younger age, is just wrong.

Says who!? Well. Says me.

But I can say other things! And today I say TODAY is a fine day to try.

2009-01-22T10:30:00.002-05:00

therapy has started again. courage dear heart, where you go is a place of love and understanding.

2008-06-27T13:26:00.003-04:00

remember when?

there was a particularly excellent episode of saved by the bell where the kids go to a party and drink beer. the next morning they have these hangovers that are the most overacted, ridiculous things.

genius. i remembered it today and was thinking "how ridiculous! they would never be that hungover...absurd try at dissuading America's youth from the 'bad' things".

but hilarious nonetheless.

but then i thought: to a healthy 16 year old body that (theoretically) has never had one once of toxin in it, recovering from a night of drinking must feel like death. i have a hazy recollection of drinking a little bit of red wine at a family party when i was nine or ten. i recall having an absolute splitting headache and being dizzy a couple hours later and my grandmother telling me i'm an idiot. nice on, grandma. i cant remember clearly though how awful it felt. it must have been incredible. the first headache. worse than any others because of how foreign it must have been

anyways. i think that too was one of my first headaches. i've been thinking about my psychological wellness in regards to my body and how it affects me day to day and i have to say, it really fluctuates too much. but the question is do i feel badly because i look bad or do i see myself as fat or having bad skin or whatever because i feel badly.

who can know!?

2008-06-24T17:20:00.003-04:00

this may be a problem.

i've recently taken a new job, and while it's no fault of my new employer, i've also developed a habit of buying things online. lots of things online.

i'm sure that this isn't for lack of things to do here at work. i can barely eat sometimes. but i haven't had a job where i sit in front of the computer from 9 am till 6 pm, 5 days a week in, let's say...at least 2 years.

the last time i did i developed such a severe IM and Myspace habit i forced myself to give it up for Lent. the dependence had gotten out of control. that is to say, my "all about me" surveys dominated the interweb much the way Lucy dominates Ari on their play dates. not cool.

i'm not sure exactly how to keep my wallet from being raped and pillaged daily, but i'm gonna take a wild guess about why i'm blogging right now.

2008-06-19T10:46:00.002-04:00

Issues of Racism in the Fashion World

Below is an excerpt from a posting by a woman who is a fellow memeber of Ladies Lotto. LL is an organization comprised of...super women basically. There are some amazing members and I thank my stars that I have such an amazing networking tool at my disposal. Not to mention times like these when the ladies post random topics of interest to women today that are out there blazing a trail for the most divine of genders, and in doing so create a great dialog of thoughts and opinions.

This particular topic was brought up by Lizz Wasserman of
Popomomo, a great eco-friendly clothing line, as well author of the blog material concern. Lizz works in the fashion industry and has been a little more than ticked off at the lack of diversity in the fashion world. Read her thoughts below.

Oh Vogue! American Vogue’s shoots are staid, the
stories filled with insight into how to “stave off hunger” (i…ummm…eat
when hungry), and shows me pictures of rarely interesting wealthy women
who “can do it all” with several nannies, a trust fund, a husband
(preferably soon to be ex) in finance and a beautiful gi-normous
flat.With all the above though, i’ve grown to accept this from American
Vogue: i take it all with a grain of salt (ooh bloating!) but move on.
But, hypocrisy, especially hypocrisy involving the “whitewashing” of
racism is not okay.The past couple seasons in fashion have been really,
really…white. On the runways, there has been very little diversity: in
the shows last fall, over a third of shows (101 total) employed no
black models. And then, Vogue was called out for the lack of diversity
on its covers: clay cane’s blog has the most exhaustive tally i’ve
seen, starting with Beverly Johnson’s cover in 1974.However, Vogue
hasn’t had a lot of African American models on the cover: under Anna
Wintour’s reign approximately 10 black women have been solo on the
cover of Vogue (that’s since 1988), and only 4 since 2000: Marion
Jones, Halle Berry, Liya Kebede and Jennifer Hudson. There have been
several other black women on the cover in ensemble shoots with white
women. Vogue got a lot of s(*&t for not being equal opportunity: and
decided to passive-aggressively respond with a hypocritical article “Is
Fashion Racist?”The article starts by telling us about the horrible
situation of racism in fashion, primarily trying to shift blame to the
runways. At one point the article cites Chanel Iman’s Vogue
Cover:Please note it’s a fold out. Please note which side of the fold
she’s on.Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit Vogue: it’s not just the runway’s
fault. The only reason we don’t see beautiful people of every color
prominently as models is due to racism and the perceived racism the
magazines and lines have of their customer. And Vogue’s 5 page spread
of the 3 black models Anna Wintour felt like showing is cheesy and
awkward.i will not be renewing my subscription.

Truthfully those are ridiculous numbers but Vogue is a RIDICULOUS MAGAZINE. Of course I always have to play devil's advocate though. I wonder if we should criminalize Vogue, run predominately by white, rich women (although their fashion editor at large, Andre Leon Talley, is a black man. just sayin.) for taking aim at their and patronizing with articles and features their demographic: white, rich women. And also what giant fashion houses are run by black men or women? I won't portend that I know a lot about the fashion business but I can't really think off the top of my head of any.I'm not saying this is right, but mearly wondering if it's really so shocking that there should be such a huge misrepresentation of the diversity of american culture. I don't think that Vogue has ever labeled itself as a magazine for all the american people. It's exclusive by definition. However, I will say that it's combination of racial and economical exclusivity is disconcerting. I'm sure there are just as many wealthy, over-privelaged, boring black people as there are wealthy, over-priveledged, boring white people, yet there's a lack of obnoxious profiles devoted to them. In terms of why there aren't enough black models I think we should turn to blaming the beauty ideal of stick-thinedness (not a word) and perhpas not jump to the conclusion that it's because of skin color. True it probably is partly to do with skin color but I'm sure a good deal of it has to do with the fact that when it comes down to it high fashion wants rail-thin, gaunt, waifs that look like they're made out of paper and no one does that better than white girls! Ok, maybe asians.
My point is this: I suppose Essence would look ridiculous with a white man on the cover. However, Essence clearly proclaims that it's for the african-american community. Perhaps Vogue should have a postscript on every cover. It could read: VOGUE: FOR THE RICH PEOPLE, WELL...MOSTLY THE RICH, WHITE PEOPLE, BUT IF YOU MAKE ENOUGH (OR ARE SKINNY ENOUGH) WE'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

Would they come under fire I wonder? I mean at least they're being honest.

2008-06-09T22:45:00.002-04:00

HEY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GIRL!!

(that's what I call myself every morning...what?)

2008-06-03T11:46:00.002-04:00

Hello!

Oh god I've been away. What else is new? But here's what I've been up to:

The sexy ladies at Playgirl have decided that I'm worthy of Playgirl contributor status!! HOORAY FOR ME! HOORAY FOR YOU!! HOORAY FOR PLAYGIRL!!!

Please go check out my first answer to my very first letter!

2008-03-27T16:05:00.003-04:00

Dear Stephanie

My cousin lives in the same city as me, and we are in a similar field. This obviously brings out my competitive nature. He can be very aggressive, and sort of tends to not give a shit. People love this type of youthful arrogance I guess, because he's been doing well in his chosen field. I on the other hand, have also been doing well, but I am aggressive in a different way. Anyways to get to the point; he, by some fluke of scheduling and also twist of fate, has scored a really great space to show some of his new work that he has been making. The only thing about this is that the opening falls on the same day as my birthday. I don't know how I feel about this, partially I feel happy for him, to see him succeeding, but the other side of me feels insanely jealous. The other part of this problem is that we share a lot of the same friends, and the girl he is dating, is one of my best friends. Which event will they go to? Will there be time for both? I try to not care about brithdays, but last year I had a sad little drinking session with a few friends and it made me miserable. The year before that, I had a big rager, it was exciting to say the least. Now I'm not expecting the same sort of thing, maybe something in between those two. Isn't your birthday the one day that people can shower you with attention and love? I am just worried he has already stolen the spotlight.

Signed,
The Banal Cousin

--------------------------

Dear Banal Cousin,

Banal? Really??

Honestly. Don't be ridiculous.

Ok moving on.

While I definitely understand one's birthday being of the utmost of importance to them, in terms of days of the year, but I do think you're letting a lot of prior issues get you really down about this.

Some things to keep in mind while trying to gain some perspective: 1) I'm sure, if I know anything about the gallery system, that your cousin had no choice in the day of the opening. Everyone knows what that weird familial competition is like, but most of the times it's not something that's real. Unless you're a Boelyn girl. MY GOD! Well...praise be that you aren't.

2) I think that the success that both of you are getting has been due to your talents, rather than your personalities as you say. Yes I'm sure that your personalities have something to do with it and the aggressiveness definitely is something that's necessary, but talent is the top. Give yourself more credit. You're really making it more personal than it ought to be, and therefore of course you feel more hurt than you want to.

This leads me to my 3rd idea:

3) It was interesting that you made a point to mention that he was aggressive and had a certain personality that was in contrast to yours. I'm sure that it's not a huge revelation, but I think the whole problem is that you're nervous (and rightly so) that on this holy of holy you days, he's going to steal your thunder and, for lack of a better way to put it, be more popular than you.

I know that I would hate it if I had to deal with this on my birthday on top of planning the party. Inherently, party planning comes with this worry that no one will show up and even worse, you're convinced that everyone will be elsewhere making fun of you...ok maybe that's just me.

Anywho, it definitely isn't ideal that you should have to schedule around anything or anyone, but it may actually turn out to work in your favor. You say that you're friends with most of the same people. This opening will be jammed packed with friends of yours and his, and after the festivities of the more exciting cousin are over, people will most likely looking for a place to continue the fun. What's more fun than more celebrating??

Nothing.

The control freak in me does suggest sending out an email a few days before the opening letting people know your birthday after party will be at such and such place at such and such time. And definitely include your cousin on this list so that he doesn't go throwing his own after party and he's aware that he isn't the only one with something worth celebrating.

2008-03-17T17:38:00.002-04:00

Snooping.

Recently a friend of mine got bit by the curiosity bug when the person she was dating left some private info right out in the open. Of course, she read it. Anyone who is shocked isn't a human. As it turned out, what she read made her cry, yell, and eventually confront him. Needless to say he was less than stoked about the fact that she had read this info. But they talked, or rather they had a yelling match and after a good healthy round of I dare you to keep a secret, the dust has settled and neither of them has been killed off.

I maintain that she technically didn't snoop, but it made me consider what my opinion of such an act is anyways.

I have to say that snooping is a good idea 99.9% of the time. I know, I know; it's someone else's private stuff, you find out things that will most likely upset you, it's dishonest, etc. But c'mon. It's all about staying informed.

Of course I admit that there have been a couple times where snooping has done damage. Real damage. We-shouldn't-know-each-other-anymore damage. But I just imagine that was how those were going to go anyways. It just sped up the process. One could call it a facilitator. Something turns on inside and says hmmm...so you see if it's founded or unfounded.

Also, in this day of Wikipedia, Google, and Ask Jeeves*, I've become really used to knowing everything at any given moment. Nothing is off limits. How much money did Paula Abdul make last year? Got it. How do I build a satellite phone out of gum? Check. 10 things not to say at a job interview? Well now I know.

I'm no longer used to not knowing something I feel I need to. I think the question is whether you choose to use the info.
I mean, people like to keep secrets and most of the time those secrets should be kept but other times they absolutely should not. Sure you can let the other person make that decision or you can get down in the mud pit and mold your own destiny.

I've had experiences where I've learned things both on accident and also quite purposefully and in most cases I choose to just swallow the info because while it may not have been pleasant, it wasn't harmful, or was written in the heat of anger, or was completely in the past, or really was not my business at all.

However there have been a few choice times where I thanked the heavens for being as meddlesome as I am. Times where I know had I not snooped I would've never ever been told the truth and doing the job myself saved me a world of pain and embarrassment, albeit at the expense of an awkward confrontation with information I'm not even supposed to know. But if that's the price, I'll pay it.

I want to admit wholeheartedly that saying I can respect someone's need to privacy only after I've learned what it is they're keeping secret and deemed it as a non-threat to me and mine is as hypocritical as the day is long. But that isn't my whole point.

Sure all of this is easy for me to say, never having been the victim of snooping, but that's just not even true. I used to be the lyingest liar around and a queen of secret things. A pass time of mine was collecting things to hide, both tangible and intangible. Eventually a few people around me got tired of it and snooped in everything I owned and pretty much discovered I had nothing to hide. This was really embarrassing; I was hiding things just to do so, hoarding my life away in a really unhealthy way. Nothing I was hiding was of any consequence or value and I was completely devaluing genuine privacy.

There's a real difference between being private and being secretive. I learned this then and have tried to rid myself of secrets ever since.

I think to me the fundamental difference is whether relationships would crumble if certain information surfaced. Sure there are a lot of things that I would prefer to not discuss with a lot of people but nothing (or at least I try to make it nothing) that would ruin a relationship.

But also...perhaps all this post does is go to show that privacy is quite intimidating to me. But that was no secret. I am, after all, a Gemini, the cosmic ship's communications officer.** There's nothing more exhilarating and refreshing to me than a good session of airing it out.

* Who the hell uses Ask Jeeves? Maybe I should ask Jeeves.

** Yes. I really did just used the term "cosmic ship".

2008-03-12T21:57:00.003-04:00

I feel compelled to start this off with some honesty. I've been absent these past 3 weeks partially due to my scatter-brained schedule, partially due to with my inherent laziness, partially due to my obsession with Lost, but the award for the major cause of my lack of content goes to an awful and suffocating malaise that has settled onto my spirit.

I have to admit I feel a tad bit more than a little terrified to even admit that. I have always tried to convince people that I'm in control, am decisive, am super happy, well-adjusted, and have clear-minded vision. Top that with a cherry of hyper-active, rubber-limbed fury and that pretty much sums up what's outwardly happening over here. Confessing weakness is not my strong suit.

Admittedly most of my life I couldn't feel less like that inside, yet always I would keep up that face: the "I got it" face. The only thing different (the only thing new) its now more apparent than ever that I don't need that face. But in the most sneaky and undermining ways this sad defense is fighting fighting fighting to prove it's worth. None of this is happening out of no where; it certainly is not. My therapist and I have been essentially chipping away at every defense mechanism I have to get to this point. In my head I'm picturing the wizard duel between Saroman and Gandalf in LOTR. If that doesn't work for you...you're missing out on a vital piece of the puzzle.

We've now come to the point where we're quite literally ripping skeletons out of my memories; painful, harrowing, blurry-eyed, waterlogged skeletons whose resurfacing have been giving me nightmares for months now.

As hard as it is to exhume these things, it at least is a healthy way to confront my obsession with the "i got it" face. Not everything was always ok always and maybe (just maybe) I can start to see that those things are maybe (just maybe) ready to be dug up and laid to rest properly.

But there's this obnoxious, slob of a case that this defense is making for itself. For our purposes here let's call it Look Over There.

Some of Look Over There's favorite pass times include not showering for a couple days, leaving a sink full of dirty dishes, eating more than two fifteen year old boys, neglecting to water my plants until their near death, not reading anything over an article's length long for months at time, leaving my dog at home for unacceptable stretches, not doing taxes, NEVER WRITING A BLOG, and basically creating unnecessary messes that keep me from rising above.

Distracting. I can only guess (or hope) that there is a real threat of happiness or at the very least peace that will come on the other side of this painful process if it's causing me to act so so differently than any person I've ever known myself to be. Because when it comes down to it for me happiness and peace are so foreign and therefore unwelcome. I've spent years with this face. Who am I if I don't have to pretend everything is ok? Who am I if I'm not silently railing inside, agonizing over the injustice of my life? Who am without that theater?

For whatever reason this is all going on, it's completely unsettling. Every one of those activities (or inactivities) are so unlike me it truly is terrifying. I've never felt more aware of and hurt by my own actions to distract myself from the real issues.

I feel as if I am in the midst of a very real, very definitive fight for my life. It could quite clearly go one way or the other. So in an effort to seize the path I am deeply hoping for here I am. I know. Small steps. Who cares, right?

Well. I do. Maybe I alone know how scary it is for me to write this blog post. There's nothing that has been as important to me as keeping up that brave front and to take that crutch away...it really feels like one of the most courageous acts of my life and gives me a braver feeling than I've ever felt in all the time of faking it.

So, I guess I'm saying things are not ok. Ok.

Now give a girl some applause.

2008-02-21T00:31:00.002-05:00

LUNAR-TIC!!

Yes I know that was nerdy as hell. But the Earth's shadow passed over the Moon tonight!! That is the universe being nerdy. I'm just following suit.

I really hope that you were able to get out there and see it. If not youtube that shit. It's worth it. This lunar eclipse happened in the house of Virgo. Virgo is the sign of healing, analysis, and grounded thought. Also we're entering in a new age of Aquarius (DEFINITELY cue the 5th Dimension here). This age is the age of change!!

I hop while you were watching tonight you could feel something deep within you and deep without you stirring and rushing forward. We are all poised to reap the benefits of these waves of change and tonight they were waves of healing change.

I personally know a friend who's twisted ankle is hurting less tonight than it has been in a while. I'm 100% sure that's a bullshit placebo effect, however! THAT in itself is real and valid. So there we go.

Here's an in-depth rundown I completely lifted from my one of nearest and dearest loves of my life, Krissy . She's a Virgo herself and did (genuinely) feel these vibes quite intensely as she watched the entirety of the eclipse. WAY TO GO WARRIOR QUEEN.

First a letter from NASA:

In the late night hours of Feb. 20, 2008, a total lunar eclipse will dazzle the night sky. And this lunar eclipse may be worth staying up for, because it will be the last one until December 2010.

A lunar eclipse occurs when the Earth lines up directly between the sun and the moon, casting a shadow over the moon's surface. The February 20, 2008 eclipse will last for nearly 3 and a half hours. For a full 50 minutes of that time the moon will be in totality - the period when the lunar surface is completely covered by the Earth's shadow.

During an eclipse the moon changes color, going from a light gray color to an orange or deep red shade. This is totality. The moon takes on this new color because indirect sunlight is still able to pass through the Earth's atmosphere and cast a glow on the moon.

Residents of the Americas, Europe and Africa will have the best view of this eclipse.

Here in the United States, the entire eclipse will be visible for the majority of the country. However, residents on the West Coast will miss out on watching the early stages of the eclipse, as it begins before moonrise.

This Wednesday night, hope for clear skies, try to stay awake and enjoy a spectacular lunar eclipse.

Laura Motel
NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center

And now the juicy goods about what this will really mean to our super spirits:

7:31pm PST 1º 53’
Total Lunar Eclipse
7:26pm PST 1º 50’

This is the Full Moon of healing and service. Virgo understands that disease manifests itself in societies as well as in individuals. There is so much dis-ease in our world and we all need to awaken to our role as healers. This is especially true on this Full Moon in Virgo, with a total lunar eclipse. The soulful, peacemaking Pisces Sun opposes the scientific, nature-based healing Virgo Moon. What a perfect night to release your New Moon in Aquarius intentions for radical change (especially if they revolve around health issues) and celebrate the hard work you have done over the last two weeks toward these goals.

The first lunar eclipse of 2008 is perfectly placed for observers throughout most of the Americas as well as Western Europe. The entire event is visible from South America and most of North America. Western Europe and northwest Africa also see the entire eclipse. Go to NASA’s Eclipse page for more information sunearth.gsfc.nasa.gov/eclips...8Feb07A

Eclipses co-mingle the energies of Moon and Sun, often creating disturbing or intensified effects. The Pisces Sun rules a spectrum of experience ranging from pure transcendence, selflessness, unconditional love, to addiction, co-dependency, denial and fantasy. These energies literally cover and hide the energy of the practical, analytical Virgo Moon; veiling this Moon’s clarity and grounded reality-based thinking.

On this Full Moon, the Sun in Pisces opposes the Moon/Saturn conjunction in Virgo. This opposition enlivens the integration of healing through transcendence and attending to bodily health. But it may also bring up more negative feelings of inertia/limitation due to the perfectionism of Virgo and the negations/denials of Pisces.

This year the Moon and Sun are joined respectively by the South Node in Leo and North Node in Aquarius. Along with Pluto in Capricorn (transformation through concrete action) and Mars in Gemini (swift diversified actions) these planets create a powerful mystic rectangle. This configuration requires us to walk the path of mindful inquiry, in a fully-embodied yet open-minded way, in order to realize our unbounded potential. The Venus/Mercury (heart/mind) conjunction and Chiron/Neptune (transcendent healing) in Aquarius provides the fuel for the mind to awaken to Buddha nature. On the other hand, if your agenda is wasting time partying with drugs and alcohol, Saturn in Virgo and Pluto/Jupiter in Capricorn will bring you right back to reality by showing you the true harmful and useless nature of substances.

So let’s talk a bit about Virgo, which most people consider perfectionistic, critical, analytical, organized, discriminating, scientific, empirical, and calculating. In truth, we all express our Virgo side when we strive to be our best. Virgo is the healer, the doctor, the nurse, the teacher, the therapist, the worker, the researcher, the scientist, and the engineer. Virgo is the true healer of the zodiac because in its mind, if it causes pain, it warrants attention and a cure. For Virgo, caring comes in the form of finding workable solutions to everyday problems.

2008-02-09T09:50:00.000-05:00

Let Us Now Praise Famous Men

Yes, let's.

In 1936, writer James Agee and photographer Walker Evens went to the deep, poverty-stricken south to document the severely oppressive lives of tenement framers in rural Alabama. They were on assignment from Fortune magazine, but upon their return the editors refused to run the story.

In 2003 I was attending college and was blown away by the images Walker Evans produced while he was there, however was unable to read the accompanying book, Let Us Now Praise Famous Men that James Agee produced after the rejection of the article. I guess there were just too many other books to be read.

What a fool.

So now, after making sure I've gotten such luminary volumes as The Goddess Rules, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, and The Davinci Code out of the way I've finally gotten around to it. I now know why the publishers refused to publish Agee (however the rejection of the photos remains a mystery): James Agee was an angry, bitter man that liked to slap people in the face with his writing. Picture Ross Perot but really, fiercely, intensely intelligent.

My dad says that he doesn't like to read Hemingway because he feels like he's being yelled at. Well as it turns out I love James Agee for that very same reason.

My point of this post though is to put a quote out here that I came across in Agee's very own introduction to his own book (ballsy, that one). The book I finished before this was Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Among other things, it's one of the most touching and bona fide accounts of someone's quest to find God and themselves I've come across...and not in that sour, evangelical, born-again way, but just a journey within and without to find that peace and love that can only come from surrender.

It was beautiful and had me in tears most of the time. I looked like a complete lunatic on the subway.

Ms. Gilbert was fortunate enough to have a year to travel to Italy, India, and Indonesia in order to carry out this quest. Shouldn't we all be so lucky...Well, I can count myself among those who are not. BUT she still inspired me to go after that peace as well, as she puts it, "like a man searches for water whose head is on fire". But what's a girl to do if she can't hide out in an Ashram contemplating heaven, practicing yoga, and ingesting nothing but pure mountain air and vegetarian cuisine for 4 months? Well my first reaction was to have a panic attack that I'll never be able to reach any semblance of peace no matter how hard I meditate if I'm to be stuck in a hole in Brooklyn.

But then James came along and verbalized for me what I could not. Put down on paper the mantra that I needed to help me to see that peace (or inspiration as it were) can come from anywhere at anytime because, as it happens, it's with us always.

Of course here he's talking about his hesitation and doubts about whether he will be able to accurately reconstruct, upon returning home, the everyday life and struggle of the three sharecropper families he lived with. But there was something about the way he put it that really hit home.

"No doubt I shall worry myself that I am taking too long getting started, and shall seriously distress myself over my inability to create an organic, mutually-sustaining, and dependent, and as it were musical, form: but I must remind myself that I started with the first word I wrote, and that the centers of my subject are shifty; and, again, that I'm no better an "artist" than I'm capable of being, under these circumstances, perhaps under any other; and that this again will find its measurement in the facts as they are, and will contribute its own measure, whatever it may be, to the pattern of the effort and truth as a whole."

I'm especially fond of "but I must remind myself that I started with the first word I wrote..."

At first I took this as "we all start out small", which in itself is still encouraging. But thinking about it more I realized he must've meant that we start any project the second it's conceived: Agee didn't begin to write Let Us Now Praise Famous Men when he returned to his desk, with a fresh pen and a shower; Liz Gilbert didn't start her spirit's journey when she stepped off the plane in Italy; and I don't have to wait for the right time, place, circumstance, etc to start anything. In fact, maybe we start nothing. Perhaps it's the knowledge or experience or memory or love or cause that finds us.

2008-01-30T15:18:00.001-05:00

I was fixing myself breakfast and contemplating my life this morning...as one does.

As I was slicing my apple up I started going over the idea of patience and acceptance and satisfaction. I've sort of come to a point in my life that I'm affectionately referring to as the 'eye of the storm'. Trite and completely unoriginal, I know, but bear with me.

There's been a lot of trauma lately (recent and not so recent, physical as well as mental). It's left me soaked to the bone and wholly out of breath. But also it's left me invigorated and above all prepared and better for the wear.

Of course I whined and cried why me all through every single experience. I Kicked and screamed and cursed this life I was blessed with. But now I feel like I've been (amazingly) given a moment to breathe. A scene from Tomb Raider (I) keeps coming to mind (as usual): some nondescript evil guy punches Angelina Jolie in the face. She shakes it off and just looks back at him and smiles. What a sassy bitch! And then she beats him back to Babylon. With a motorcycle.

Ok, It's an eerie sense of accomplishment, but an accomplishment nonetheless. I'll take it where I can get it these days.
So, whether I get back up and say that wasn't so bad, or get handed a plate of bullshit by some piece and decide to take the high road and "yeah I can see where you're coming from" or any other number of things that would usually have me spitting in someone's face...hey, that's something that I'm putting on the score board. I can keep the calm. I can make it through. Alive. In one piece. One big accepting piece. The eye of the storm isn't as scary as it sounds. Of course there's a whole other side of the storm to get through, but it can be alright if you can keep it from raging inside as well as out.

All this of course comes on the heels of last night...when I got punched in the face, so to speak. And although I can't say I smiled...actually I did the opposite. I cried like the big fucking baby. Nor can I say that I beat the puncher back to anywhere. However this morning I did beat back all of the confusion and disbelief and every inclination that wanted to bargain or argue. And man it felt good to have those exhausting chores off my back.

Pain will always hurt. But it seems to heal faster when you accept that it's part of life and some things are outside of the control of your tiny, mouse hands.

2008-01-22T00:14:00.000-05:00

Did you ever wonder just HOW famous I am???

Wonder no longer my babies.

http://us.imdb.com/name/nm2796688/

2008-01-16T18:03:00.000-05:00

MAN WHAT A WEIRD DAY.

I have such mixed feelings about the universe right now. I don't know if I've ever thought it was on my team or not, but today I think the universe was on its own team.

So I got out of the house 10 minutes late, already my therapist's voice is pounding in my ears...something about tardiness being passive aggressive toward whatever it is you ought to be on time for. However 10 minutes late would still not make me actually late to the appointment and on top of that, there was no way I wanted to be late today! I had so much to talk about we didn't get to last time! I was so excited!

How CAAAAAAAARES is what the universe said. Apparently the F and A train stood for fuggedahboutit this morning cause no way were they running even close to correctly. I think that I had to go to L.I. at one point. Who knows.

Eight forty-five is the time of my appointment aaaaaall the way on 168th street. At 8:45 instead of being snugged down in one of my doctors giant leather chairs, spewing the contents of my heart, I was instead underground, inside of an A train somewhere between 50th and 59th street. Even though I was snugged, albeit between two very large men, I felt my dependency on starting promptly at 8:45 break over me in a cold sweat and I think the only thing that kept me from turning to large man #1 and pouring out my soul was the fact that I had an apple with me. I swallowed it whole.

Miraculously even after arriving 20 minutes late and then cursing the MTA for robbing me of half my appointment for 5 minutes, I still was able to get out everything I wanted to, get some wonderful feedback, AND at the very last minute have a rather interesting revelation. This holy trinity is pretty unheard of, even in a full session. Thank you universe.

Back on the train (of course it's functioning swift as a wild steed now) I'm reading some of the 'news in brief' in my AM New York and I read "Actor Brad Renfro, 25 found dead in home last night". I LITERALLY gasped aloud and dropped the paper.

I had no idea I was so fond of him. Although he was one of two Tiger Beat posters I had up in my room when I was 10 (the other was Eddie Furlong), I hadn't really thought of him since then. Aside from all that, it's sad. Isn't it always these types that this happens to? I just hope Michael Pitt isn't next.

The universe giveth and the universe taketh away.

And then the universe also creates jokes just for me.

Under the Renfro news was this gem: 'German man mistakes jug of gas for bottle of booze. Drinks, spits it out onto a lit cigarette, and accidentally lights house on fire.'

Guess what I did aloud here?

I mean...there isn't anything to say to this. I was speechless.

Other events of the day: Kramer has officially proclaimed we're in a recession (awesome), I ate an incredible sandwich for lunch (thank you Lodge), Kate Moss turned 34, and the FDA has OK'd meat from cloned animals for human consumption (where's Upton Sinclair when you need him?).

I'm not saying it was a particularly bad day, it just was senseless. I'm choosing to take it as a sign of the end of days.

xox

2008-01-14T14:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Stephanie,

I have recently become aware of my actual feelings for a good friend of mine. She is incredible, everything I am looking for. We are in the same position as far as life, and share many common ambitions and fears. She seems so right. (Not to drone on about her, though I feel it necessary to provide context for my dilemma.)

My problem is simple, what do I do? I know the question is vague and a common one. I have helped many of my friends through such an issue, yet now that it is my dilemma, I am completely stuck. I value her friendship, hence I fear the loss of her, even rejection. The trouble is, it seems there is more to us, including from her end of things. Intimate moments between us make me so confused and disillusioned. Only “what ifs” pass through my mind. I merely want to say these things to her, but I don’t know how or what is appropriate. I don’t understand why it is so hard for me. Every word she says merely inspires me to come out and say what I feel yet my inhibitions consistently hold me back. I know what she is looking for in a man, which should make it easy. Right? I have even given her advice on past boyfriends. I need advice. I know that yes I should go for it if this is how I feel, but this situation seems/is more complex.

Sincerely,

If Only...

Dearest If Only,

I wish I could say that I haven't been here, but ohhhhh I can't. While this is no doubt an awkward situation for most people, I can tell you that from what I've experiences most likely the fear of ruining things is in your head.

I went through something quite similar years ago, when I was a wee girl of 21 (how cute!). I too was really afraid of saying anything for fear that I was imaging the connection or more importantly that all our years of friendship would be out the window and his opinion of me immediately replaced with an image of a lecherous creep. Unfortunately (or fortunately as it were) since I can't keep thoughts to myself long enough to even form them into complete sentences, this came flying out of my mouth pretty much the next time I was alone with him. As it turned out I was wrong in my negative thoughts, right in my suspicions of an awesome love connection and we ended up dating for quite a long time.

Even without my experience I would, in pretty much any situation, encourage someone to speak what's on their mind. I especially encourage it here. It seems to me that you are very close friends and respect and trust each other a great deal. It's definitely clear how much you care for her. You can say...oh maybe she'll feel uncomfortable or even betrayed...or if she's not outwardly so it may end up making things awkward anyways...or what if we do date and it doesn't work and I lose a friend?

All of these things are totally understandable doubts. Regardless, some things just need to come out cause the 'what ifs' you mentioned will get to be even more distracting. The hardest part is getting over the fear of how what you say will be taken and just being able to be true to yourself. In every relationship there are always times where awkward convos come up and you run the risk of rubbing someone the wrong way. But if you can say what it is that you need to get out in a sincere, clear, and respectful way that will cut through the discomfort and hopefully it can evolve into a good discussion.

Or you could just kiss them and blurt out how super fun they are and that I really just want to be around you so much and do you like me?!

That, in my experience, works just as well.

But really, if you guys are close, just let her know your feelings, that you definitely want to know what her thoughts are, and whatever those thoughts may be maintaining the friendship is most important. Just setting it up as a discussion and not as dropping this on her will put you guys both a little more at ease and you two ought to be able to talk openly about it. If she happens to not feel the same way that'll be difficult to swallow, but swallow you must.

..ahem.

What I mean of course is you will have to respect whatever her feelings are just as much as you respected your own.

I wish you the absolute best! Don't over-think it! Please keep me updated and I really hope it goes well!!!

2007-12-25T22:27:00.000-05:00

My grandmother has lived a long time.

I was just laying on the couch watching Deal Or No Deal with her. Gameshows are without a doubt one of her favorite television experiences and as I was laying there, I came to realize that it was a particular passtime that has represented a good deal of the time I've spent with her. From Love Connection, to Wheel Of Fortune, to the $25,000 Pyramid, to Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, we were there together.

What better way to summarize and understand my grandmother's incredible impact on my life than to stroll down a list of the greatest American gameshows. I can think of nothing better.

Here we are:

$1,000,000 Chance of a Lifetime
$1.98 Beauty Contest
$10,000 Pyramid
$64,000 Question
$ale of the Century
:10 Seconds
About Faces
All About the Opposite Sex
All-Star Baffle
Almost Anything Goes
Amateur's Guide to Love
American Gladiators
Anniversary Game
Anything for Money
Anything You Can Do
Baby Game
Baby Races
Bargain Hunters
Battle of the Brains (in Richmond, VA)
Beach Clash
Beat the Clock
Beat the Odds
Big Payoff
Blackout
Blade Warriors
Blank Check
Blankety Blanks
Bobcat's Big Ass Show
Boggle
Born Lucky
Bullseye/Celebrity Bullseye
Bzzz!
Call My Bluff
Camouflage
Can You Top This?
Catch Phrase
Chain Letter
Chain Reaction
Child's Play
Clash!
Classic Concentration
Click
Concentration
Contraption
Couch Potatoes
Dating Game
Debt
Do You Trust Your Wife?
Doctor I.Q.
Dollar a Second
Dotto
Double Dare
Double Exposure
Double or Nothing
Dream House
Face the Facts
Face the Music
Family Feud
Family Secrets
Fandango
Feather Your Nest
Figure it Out
Finders Keepers
Fractured Phrases
Free 4 All
Funny You Should Ask
Get the Message
Get the Picture
Give and Take
Gong Sho
Grudge Match
He Said, She Said
Head of the Class
Headline Chasers
Hi-Q
High Finance
Hollywood Connection
Hollywood Squares
Honeymoon Race
Hot Potato
Hot Seat
Hot Streak
How Do You Rate?
How's Your Mother-in-Law?
I Can't Believe You Said That!
I'll Bet
I've Got a Secret
Idiot Savants
It's Anybody's Guess
It's Up to You
It's Your Bet
Jeopardy!
Joker's Wild
Keep Talking
Knights and Warriors
Knockout
Kwik Witz
Laughline
Let's Make a Deal
Lip Service
Love at First Sight
Love Between the Sexes
Love Connection
Love Experts
Love Story
Mad Libs
Magnificent Marble Machine
Majority Rules
Make Me Laugh
Make the Grade
Match Game
Missus Goes A-Shopping
Money & Devils
Money Maze, The
Monopoly
Musical Chairs
Name Droppers
Name That Tune
Newlywed Game
Nickelodeon GUTS
Night Games
No Relation
Number Please
Oh My Word
One in a Million
Outrageous!
Pantomime Quiz
Pass the Buck
Dennis James
Penny to a Million
People are Funny
People Will Talk
Personals
Pick and Choose
Pick Your Brain
Pictionary
Place the Face
Play the Percentages
Play Your Hunch
Press Your Luck
Price is Right
Queen for a Day
Quick As a Flash!
Quicksilver
Quick as a Flash
Quick on the Draw
Reach for the Stars
Ready... Set... Cook!
Remote Control
Rhyme and Reason
Rodeo Drive
Rubik's Cube
Ruckus
Runaround
Say When!
Scattergories
Schools A's Match Wits
Scrabble
Shenanigans
Shoot for the Stars
Shop Till You Drop
Showdown!
Showoffs
Shuffle
Silent Partners
Singled Out
Small Talk
Snap Judgment
So You Think You've Got Problems?
Spin Off
Spin the Picture
Split Personality
Split Second
Strike it Rich
Supermarket Sweep
Swaps
Take My Word For It
Tattle Tales
Tele-Quest
Temptation
That's My Dog!
Think Fast
Think Twice
Three for the Money
Three on a Match
Three's a Crowd
Tic Tac Dough
Time Machine
Timeout For Trivia
To Say the Least
To Tell the Truth
Total Panic
Trashed
Treasure Chest
Treasure Hunt
Treasure Isle
Triple Threat
Trivia Trap
Trivial Pursuit
Truth or Consequences
Turn it Up!
Twenty-One
Two for the Money
Wait 'til You Have Kids
We Interrupt This Week
What Would You Do?
What's It For
What's News?
What's My Line?
Wheel of Fortune
Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Where Was I?
Whew!
Who Do You Trust?
Who Pays
Whodunnit?
Win, Lose, or Draw
Window Shopping
Winner Take All
Winning Streak
Wipeout
Wizard of Odds
Women Only
Wordplay
Words and Music
You Bet Your Life
You Better Shop Around
You Don't Say
You're On!
You're Putting Me On

Alls I have to say is HOW DID I MISS So You Think You've Got Problems? ??

2007-11-12T18:47:00.000-05:00

As I was searching the internet for the average number of times a person would get hit by a car in a lifetime I came across the secret to curing obesity in this country: Americans don't kiss enough.

Now, anyone who knows me well knows about my disdain for the cliche of the "latin lover", but I think they may be on to something. I mean, what Latin American person (or even Italian, French, or Spanish for that matter) is obese and addicted to McDonald's? None. Not one.

Kissing. Kissing is the answer.

And to support my theory, I give you these cold, hard facts:

- The average American will spend 5 years eating during their lifetime.
- A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.
- On average a American will spend two weeks of their lifetime kissing.

How in the hell are you expected to burn 5 years of eating in two weeks??? People! WAKE UP! START KISSING!

2007-11-12T16:29:00.000-05:00

Hi there kittens.

So today I got struck by a runaway taxi! The horror of it all! I was crossing 42nd St. under the direction of the little glowing man and what should happen to cross my path? None other than a giant yellow town car. What else would one expect? I guess I should start keeping my wits about me.

This isn't the first time I've gotten hit by a car (I've been hit twice in my life, both of which happened in the last year) and this got me thinking: how many times on average, is the average person hit by an average car in an average lifetime? I spent a good amount of time trying to find this to no avail, but I imagine that 2 is close to the cap.
Since neither incident resulted in any sort of injury, I've taken them both as signs. Slight kicks in the ass from the universe, so I thought to myself, "what was happening at those times where I would need such a kick?"

Well, instance one I was rushing around like a mad person trying to find an address that was as elusive as a jaguar (bastard address). I was literally running back and forth along two city blocks knocking people out of my way, trying to make an appointment that was under threat of being cancelled if I was even one minute late. I was already five and counting. As I shoved a couple of school kids out of my way to book across Lexington for the 78th time, a silver Denali made an illegal right turn right into my butt, knocking me back onto the pavement. Being the amazingly kind-hearted person that I am my first thought was of course, "Thank God I pushed those kids out of the way." My second, after surveying the giant black tire treads across my brand new light grey jeans was "GODDAMNIT I JUST BOUGHT THESE PANTS."

I was actually so dazed that all I could think was that I was even later still for my appointment so I bounced up, apologized to the driver of the Denali (of course) and continued on my way, just as manic as before.

This morning was a different story. I was walking quite slowly as it was the early morning. I knew quite well where the building was that I was going and I definitely was in no mood for pushing anyone around me. I was however on this wicked wicked fast which has had me thinking about food and NOTHING ELSE for the past 6 days. So I was dreaming of eggs and bacon I was delivered a cold yellow taxi to snap me out to. Worked like a charm. This time I decided to take the sign. I killed the fast. It's just not my style to have something occupy my mind as much and for as long as food was doing so. I flit. Like a butterfly in a field of wildflowers. I'm not a lazy caterpillar. I'm not glued to a branch. It just doesn't feel right.

And as for the lesson in the last one, it was simply slow down and stop acting like you're the only person in the whole world that needs to be somewhere. I have a real problem with that. When I have to be somewhere or do something, my agenda is the only thing that matters. The world may as well just go on holiday for a minute because I need to make my 6:30 yoga class!!

So I don't blame the drivers of those terror mobiles for hitting poor, innocent me. They could've no more helped their fate as stopped time. They were messengers sent to knock me on my ass and into some sort of perspective. So the next time you're running around like the center of the universe or following a path that's just not meant for you, please, check yourself.

Otherwise you may find yourself with some fresh tire treads on your brand new pants.

2007-11-05T18:06:00.000-05:00

I recently went through a break up. It lasted almost the entire duration of the relationship.

Has that ever happened to anyone? Is it me? I imagine it's probably me.

My real point isn't this though. Now that it's really (really) over, no one is there. No one is sleeping next to me. No one's home to watch me cook dinner...or eat it with me for that matter. No one's there to walk the dog when I can't. Bummer.

It's ironic that my main complaint is that I needed my space.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not considering that the decision to end things was a bad one, but it just gets under my skin that even while with someone that I had so much friction with still made me dependent on the mere companionship.

As I was talking this over with a dear friend, she happened to mention that goes away, that I just have to get used to the empty house, and that I'd be back to being happy with being solo or just hanging out with my friends. This is true. It's happened many times before. But my question is why is craving the companionship so bad? I don't see anything wrong with it.

Of course, I've been in relationships before where the level of time together was toxic...and one could argue that this was the case recently as well, but I think that there really is this fear among women here in NY of admitting that they want companionship.

The madness stops here. I admit it! I want a companion. I want someone I trust enough to give my email password. I do. So there.

However, as God as my witness, I will not settle. I jut have to make that promise...because I can't keep getting close to it and then have to just end it...and therefore not have anyone to share my magnificent dinners.

Except Lucy.

2007-11-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

I went over a month, but the thing is that I'm trying to suck at this point.

SUCCESS.

I was waiting for the bus the other night and I was privy to something that has furthered my division of whether there's an actual difference in the sexes. The story goes, I was around 4 or 5 a.m. and I was waiting at the Jay St./Fulton Mall stop on the B54 and although I'm not sure exactly where it is, there's a lesbian club right around there. I regularly see a rather high number lesbian couples making out in the wee hours at this stop.

Anyways, I guess the club had just let out cause there was a couple waiting for the bus, making out up against a closed up shop, periodically causing the the roll-down gate to bang loudly. Weird already. Not because they were lesbians, but it was just too much for anyone to be doing in the out of doors...especially when there's someone standing about 4 feet from you...gawking like an idiot.

So as I'm cursing my iPod for breaking earlier that week, I'm delivered a reason to thank the heavens that it did break: they come up for air and one says to the other, "Girl, you taste like cherries. Were you kissing so-and-so earlier?"

OH SHIT!

Ok let's back up here. I failed to fully set the scene. There's an amazing phenomenon among black and puerto rican butch lesbians in NY: THEY'RE SO ATTRACTIVE.
This doesn't happen anywhere else in the whole world. Period. Argue with me. I dare you. Every other butch lesbian I've ever seen looks like a gym coach. A male gym coach. And it's quite possibly the worst look ever.

But this group of women, although they are dressed masculinely, understand the key point of STILL BEING ATTRACTIVE no matter what gender your choose to be. If I were to run around as a man you better believe I would not be donning a Reebok track suit or some khaki pants and a polo. No no no.

The lady that remarked about the suspicious cherry taste happened to be one such lesbian. It goes without saying her femme counterpart was ridiculous. The kind of lesbian that makes men weep.

So that being all set up, here's how the rest of this conversation went down.

"No. What are you talking about? But also how would you know she tastes like cherries? You know I saw you last weekend together. Don't try to tell me anything. You just played yourself out. I wasn't even gonna say anything but you're just stupid."

"You're crazy girl. I love you. That wasn't me. Who said that was me?"

"No don't even start. I saw you. That was you. I saw you up there, she was sitting on you all over your neck and you didn't see me cause you were too busy."

And so forth.

All I could think here was OH MY GOD it's not a man or woman thing! Not that I ever solidly believed it was, but this confirms it. Butch lesbians lie and cheat just like men! And I don't mean they are guilty of the act, I mean they do it in exactly the same way. Amazing. They're dumb as hell about it, they deny it in the face of cold, hard facts, and they always pull the I love you/you're crazy card out first.

I mean, the woman was already making out with you! Why lie!? She didn't even seem mad about it, but no, didn't matter. She went right on ahead lying for at least the next 15 minutes.

So it's just people. People are either shitty or not. As I said, I am of two minds on the whole relationship dynamic. And of course, in classic me style, the two minds are on completely different ends of the spectrum and yet I find a way to bring them together. (I'm telling you, I MUST get to the Middle East.)

On the one hand we have the idea that men and women are completely different. Couldn't be less alike! This is how I reconcile when I just cannot follow a man's line of thinking. I figure, hey, I don't pull out my hair when I can't understand a conversation in Japanese. I don't know one word. Why get upset when I can't follow it?

Same thing.

But on the other hand, we're all human beings and have all had a relatively similar upbringing in the grand scheme of things. This convo proves the later argument.

There has been an empire built upon the idea that men and women are fundamentally different, but really, I think I'm going to call bullshit. I mean yes, I will have to say that perhaps there are some different ways of thinking and perceiving that may fall into a more masculine or a more feminine category, but I just don't buy into the idea that one gender would be more predisposed to acting a certain way or having certain habits.

Nope. After witnessing this exchange I have to say that I just don't really buy "Men Are From Mars...", etc. etc. Maybe a better way to put it is that "Men are from Canada, Women are from Mexico"?

2007-09-24T17:53:00.001-04:00

Email me! I want to help you!

weareverywellthankyou@yahoo.com

Even if it's just help dressing!!

2007-09-17T14:50:00.000-04:00

Dear Stephanie -
I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He's really great and we get on very well together. Only thing that's lacking is affection and attention. I need more expression of emotion. It's like pulling teeth to get him to tell me he cares for me or to even get a "you're pretty" out of him. It's killing me and slowly killing the relationship. I've talked to him about it and he tells me he's shut down emotionally due to many past experiences both in his non-romantic and romantic life with people who have taken advantage of him, hurt him, etc. He tells me that it's ironic - I'm the one person he should be affectionate and giving with emotionally but he just can't do it. My response to him is that he will not allow himself or perhaps I'm not the right person for him.
I give him a ton of affection and love. I just want someone who will reciprocate. That doesn't mean someone to grovel at my feet but a partner who can be emotionally mature and grow with me.
He does many nice things for me but I would love to have some traditional, good old romance once in a while.
Is our relationship doomed? Am I being too needy?
Best,
Needy Girl

Dear Needy Girl,
You want romance and affection from your boyfriend of over a year? Wow. You need to chill out. I mean he's with you and has been with you for a while...isn't that enough? Why should he have to tell you you're pretty? Obviously he thinks you are.

Jeez...

Although I'm sure you've caught on that I'm kidding, this unfortunately may be something of what he's thinking. Guys really have different wiring. For the most part they aren't aware of the value of an unsolicited compliment, a hug out of nowhere, a surprise date. It's not that they're more secure or less needy, it's just that they express those feelings in different ways. You may feel the longing for sweet words and a romantic night together, whereas he may want you to share with him projects that may be really exciting you, or cancel a date with your friends to come see him. These things make him feel like he's integral to your life, just the same as a really thoughtful deed or word makes you feel like you're really connected to him.

But even if the guy/girl thing weren't an issue I don't think you showing him love and affection is really going to bring the same out in him. That may just not be how he shows his love. He has admitted to you that he does have issues with trust, but also take into consideration that he may have never been an overly emotive person. I have a couple friends, who although yes, at times I wish they were as huggy and affectionate as myself, when I look at the bigger picture I wouldn't trade them for the world due to other extremely valuable qualities such as their loyalty, sound advice, or a severe shoe collection.

Basically, what I'm saying is be sure before you go looking for something, that it's there to be found. This man just may not be wired for outpourings of emotion.

However, I will say, some of it sounds quite intolerable. No compliments at all? It definitely sounds as if the roots of the problem are deep seeded trust issues, not simply that he doesn't know what your definition of romance is.
Seeing as these problems most likely have nothing to do with you, again, I don't think you being overly affectionate to him (and essentially pouring more and more than your share of the work into the relationship) is going to help. It's not as if you did something to lose his trust and are trying to gain it back, so I say stop playing into that roll.

Yes, of course you feel like all you want to do is make him feel safe trusting you. You love him. You want to ease any stress. But he needs to do most of the work here.

There are a number of things that he could do; it just depends on his level of commitment. He could go to see someone. Therapy is A GOD SENT. I swear. Therapists are like angels on this earth, handing out the sweet, sweet gift of sanity. GOD BLESS YOU.

Seriously, I cannot praise it enough.

Actually that's all I got. There are many times in a person's life where they just have to evolve or get left behind. He can either make a conscious decision to shed the old habits and fight, fight, fight to understand why they became so innate, and then begin to understand how to change them. Or he can choose to not. It's not simple by any means, nor is it a quick process, or even a foolproof one, but there is the fact that can make a promise to himself to be more self-aware.

The best that you can do is to support him. As I said, he most likely would never be a fountain of rose petals and bubble baths, but if he really makes the commitment for himself and for you, things ought to improve. When they do, express to him, in a way you feel he'll really understand, how much it means to you.

I think that the most difficult thing I deal with is trying to value how others show emotion and express how they care. It wasn't ever something I was aware of, but I started getting extremely bothered by the fact that I always felt so disappointed, especially with the men I dated. I realized a lot of it came from me measuring them with my own meter stick and was missing a lot of the considerate, lovely things they did simply because I chose to not see the value and thought they had in their actions.

I'm not saying settle or let something go when you genuinely feel as if something is eroding your feelings. Have a serious, come-to-jesus talk with your man. Let him know what this is really doing to the relationship. It's important that you make sure you're clear how this is affecting you and the compromise you both need to come to. It'e perfectly fine to make tangible, real goals for you and him.

I just want to make sure that when he sends out the love that you're open to his way of showing it. Essentially, don't be looking for a boat if he's sending a jet plane...

2007-09-11T14:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Stephanie -
I have a couple of friends whom I discussed some business endeavors with a few years ago. They were very supportive and wanted to be a part of the endeavor. However, the idea lay dormant for over a year until I put it together (read: legwork) and got it going. Approximately 7-8 months in, these friends came knocking and wanted to get involved. I gladly obliged but things aren't going smoothly. It's more of a hassle and power struggle. The business isn't contingent upon they're efforts.
In an ideal world I would love to work with them but have slowly come to the realization that I would like to maintain their friendship over doing business with them.
How should I approach them about this without causing a huge rift? What should I do? Can I break up with them professionally and maintain their friendships (which I really enjoy and value)?
Thank you in advance for the advice.
- ME

Dear ME,

1 business start-up
1 driven person that makes it happen
Simmer for 7-8 months

Just before serving garnish with an unnecessary handful of friends to confuse the flavor.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the recipe for a pipe bomb. Have you been arrested on the subway when thinking about this situation? Do people "say something" when they see you?

But seriously, unless I'm missing something here, it sounds as if you've done a lot of the hard work by your lonesome and these people have decided to step in at the 11th hour, change things around a bit so they don't feel like complete schmucks for taking credit for what you've done, and walking away patting themselves on their smug backs.

Not so much into that.

When I first started this blog almost a year ago, I was going to start it with 2 friends. Due to crazy schedules I ended up the only one that was able to commit to it. Although I value them both to the enth degree, if they were to come to me now wanting to jump on Le Bandwagon, I'd have to say no. Yes, it'd be nice to have 3 people sharing the load, but not at this stage. In the grand scheme I'm happy that I don't have to really worry about acting for a group. I can say what I want, when I want, how I want, etc. What’s further, I’d no doubt have to explain the way things are done ‘round here step by step, and inevitably have my logic questioned at some point. Cue the bloodshed.

It makes perfect sense that's it's been primarily a power struggle. There's a big difference between talking about riding a bike and actually getting on it, rolling up your pant legs so you don’t get gear grease on you, finding your balance while making sure you're not going to get hit by something, checking everything around making sure you won't run into a someone, and then, as an afterthought, enjoying the wind in your hair.

What I'm saying is that the nature of things change very much once you get into them. You know the business intimately and are familiar with the most efficient, best way to handle things day to day. Having these folks walk in only serves to distract you.

Now...the best way to get them out of your hair without ruining the friendship? Tricky. I think being honest (to an extent) is the best bet. I would say tell them that the business has become very much your brainchild. There are things that have changed from when you all started out talking about it in the very beginning and you believe that since coming back together, there've been some things that they've had problems with that you can't compromise on.

It will require you to put most blame on yourself, but not to the extent that you look like a tyrant. If you just simply state that after having your hands in the dirt for 8 months, through trial-and-error, there are things that you've learned that work and those that don't, and to have them question you on that isn’t working. A power struggle isn't something you're looking for. At this stage you're looking for support and to grow. You have moved away from the drawing board essentially, and now that they've come back into the picture, you feel as if you have to keep going back there and defending why you’ve done certain things.

The best way to keep them from taking it personally is to have as formal a meeting as you can. That way it'll be apparent that this decision lives in the business world solely.

If you feel like they would be assets to the company to some degree, feel free to talk further about that, restating that you're very confident in the business plan and the operation of things, but you definitely need their help in other areas, such as marketing or design or getting coffee or answering the phones.

Whatever it is that makes them special.

But if you do continue to work with them in some capacity, be sure to outline beforehand really very clearly what it is you expect from the relationship from the start.

These ones sound like they need to be ruled with an iron fist.

2007-09-10T13:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Stephanie -
I have a big dilemma. I don't know what to do! I have a girlfriend, let's call her Mary, who moved in with her boyfriend, let's call him Joseph, just short of 6 months ago. They've been over for dinner and seem happy with one another. The other day I received a phone call from a girlfriend who met the couple at a party last weekend.
This girlfriend sang the praises of Mary but brought up her experience with Joseph. Mary had gone out with some other friends, leaving Joseph to drive my girlfriend home. According to her, Joseph asked her if she wanted to engage in a late night filled with cocaine and sex (with each other). My girlfriend was appalled, asking him about Mary. He said that he was breaking up with her soon, that he wouldn't be cheating because of this fact.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've heard about Joseph's discrepancies with drugs and other women. However, this time I've experienced a first hand account.
I feel terrible for Mary and know that if I were in her position I would want to have this (very hurtful) information, yet I do not feel comfortable being the bearer of such bad news. My question is: What do I do!? Is it my responsibility to tell her what I've learned? And how do I go about doing this?
On a side note: I feel as if Joseph wants to get caught, serving as an easy way out of his relationship. How could he not know that this information would be shared. I mean, come on, we're ladies!
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Don't kill the messenger

Dear Messenger,

Oof. I can definitely see not wanting to be the one to step into such a mess. If I were on either end of such tidings I would come close to vomiting.

However, all the puking aside, I sincerely think that you need to tell her and tell her soon. This will inevitably come to the surface. Mary will find out and if on top of this she finds out that you knew yet still let her go on with him, you may end up kissing the friendship goodbye. Hell hath no fury like a woman embarrassed, betrayed, disrespected, etc etc.

I know it seems as if there's a fine line between being a concerned friend and feeling like you're being bossy or overbearing or nosey, but it's better to err on the side of pushing the envelope rather than having to look back and regret not doing something for someone you care about. I like to think of my friends as many pairs of extra eyes and ears (and fists in some cases). This may come as a shock, but I'm not (as of yet) omnipresent or omniscient so it's always reassuring to know I got people. Yes, there are a lot of times when they may say some things that I don't want to hear but need to and there are also times where they step in and say things that they really shouldn't, but no matter the circumstances I try to always realize that it all comes from the same place of genuine concern.

My second reason for acting would be that Joseph isn't just being a disrespectful bastard, but SO EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. For whatever reason Joseph somehow doesn't strike me as someone that would be a paramount of safety and caution. Who knows what other women he's propositioned and followed through with. A lot of committed couples feel they only need to safeguard against pregnancy. If this is the case here, your friend is definitely at risk of contracting something.

You may feel like you aren't close enough to Mary to butt in. Well...yeah, that's a tough call. One you'll have to make. But every friendships have this sort of moment. Where they move from partying and drinks and hanging out, to partying and drinks and hanging out and hugs and shoulders to cry on. Yes, not all moments are this intense, but you gotta start somewhere.

It's fully understandable to feel like you want to crawl out of your skin in this situation, but sometimes that's what you have to do for a friend.
I regularly ask mine to perform physically impossible acts in order to prove their worth. It's like highway toll.

"HEY YOU! YOU'VE BEEN COASTING FOR LIKE 150 MILES! GIMME 75¢!"

2007-07-13T13:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Stephanie,

So there was this guy at work, really nice, really interesting guy.
It all started innocently enough.
We become friends, ichatting, talking at lunch,
I mean just overall into in the same things.

I know he has a girlfriend, I mean we're just friends right?
Bringing in the age old When-Harry-Met-Sally debate
Can men and women be friends?

But then we hang outside of work.
And then I find myself chatting with him at 2am.
Then I find myself showing up at galleries or places
where I know he will be. It progresses.

Then because it's a freelance gig, the job ends.
I'm not there anymore. We keep talking.

But there's something there..
When we hang out, his girlfriend texts and calls,
he doesn't answer. We hang out super late.
But nothing physical happens.
(I feel like this is worse than if something did happen,
because it's like starting a whole other relationship)

Then the floodgates open.
He says we can't hang out anymore.
By saying that, he admits everything.
I'm ok with it.

He freaks out and gets really upset.
She finds an email I sent him.
She freaks out,
We have a few heart to hearts and ultimately
he decides to stay with her.

Which is fine by me.
So now, I'm trying to let this go, forget about him,
but he emails me, or he sends me stuff in the post.

It's confusing. I can't get him out of my mind.
I think it's because I can't have him.
And I mean, I don't want to be that girl.
But... what if...

Sincerely,
The Other Woman.

Dear Other Woman,

So interesting. I was just talking about this last night. Specifically, can men and women just be friends? To be honest I was explaining that I was recently, after years of advocating men and women friendships, finding myself more and more wary of the idea. Of course the reason anyone speaks to anyone is because some sort of interest is piqued, but with a man and a woman the idea of sexuality or romance always, at some point, no matter how slight, comes into play and that there is what can make the friendship suspect and ultimately confusing. Not that it's impossible, but it's definitely becoming a more and more rare occurrence.

Your problem though isn't so much keeping things friendly. Obviously you're onto a different, much more bitter issue. What to do when you can't be with the person you want?

A lot of the haunting feelings you’re experiencing are completely understandable. The relationship hasn't had a chance to be a reality so there's so much "what if..." swirling around. Naturally you're going to imagine that the relationship would play out in the most positive, perfect way possible which will, if you let it, continue to torture you indefinitely.

However to quote the illuminating brilliance of Sandra Bullock in Speed "Relationships based on intense experiences never last." I'm not saying I believe this to be a hard and fast rule, but there's something to be said about the attraction of the thrill of your situation. No doubt that's a large part of it.

But that's neither here nor there at this point.

The question really is how do you chalk it up? How to shrug your shoulders and walk away? For as deep as you and he have gotten yourselves involved, I can say that it will be very hard. Just because you haven't slept together doesn't mean that this isn't something that's very much like a breakup. You did have a relationship with this person.

Aside from keeping him as absent from your day to day as possible, try recognizing this man for what he is. That's not to say that he's a bad person. Not at all. Neither are you. But he cultivated this very intimate bond with you yet has turned around and completely let you down. He knew very much what he was doing in terms of how his actions would make you feel and yet he persisted knowing what the outcome would ultimately be.

No doubt before you even entered the picture he was questioning whether he wanted to stay with his current girlfriend. Although it's normal to feel a degree of guilt in the situation, affairs don't appear out of thin air. More times than not, a person is consciously unhappy in their relationship and for some reason or another they don't have the guts to end it or try to face the problem, so they turn outwards and look for somewhere to place the blame. Essentially he's putting all of his confusion about his current relationship, which has nothing to do with you, onto you and leading you to believe that all this has come about because he met you. As if everything were fine before. It's simply not the case. You have very little, if anything to do with the doubtful feelings he's having towards his girlfriend.

I don't want to place all the blame on him and man-bash...but there is much more responsibility on him. He's the one with the relationship to honor and what's more...you can only choose to act based on the information you get from him.

Something more you should take into account: now he's decided to stay with her, but yet he still writes and all of that. Of course it's very flattering, but the heart of the matter is that it's disrespectful to not only her, but her as well. Even more so than flirting with you and creating the relationship in the first place. He now very clearly knows how you feel, has said it can't happen, yet isn't letting you move on from it. Very selfish.

It's incredibly difficult to let go of someone when you feel that connection, but as right as it may feel, it's just not. Don't dismiss the things that bothered you (the 2am chats, the ignored phone calls from his girl, etc.) You knew that it just wasn't kosher. He was handling things in a very convoluted way. Of course very little is black and white in this world, but a good deal of this could’ve been avoided if he had addressed his relation.

Basically he's very confused and in no such state to be beginning a relationship with anyone. I know it's easier said than done but you should try to focus on whether when the dusts settles would this be someone that would truly be able to be a good stand-up guy for you. I think not so much. At the end of the day he doesn't seem at all interested in anyone’s happiness but his own.

2007-06-29T14:35:00.000-04:00

Here's something a new little babies!

This past week I was haunted by west coast gangster rap. Everywhere I turned I got hit in the face with NWA. Quite frankly, I've never been a fan but at one point I thought...God is trying to tell me something. (I get divine messages through early 90s hip hop)

So after finally having enough with being phonically assaulted, I turned to one of my dearest friends Matt Ford (most widely known as Project Matt) and asked him WHAT'S UP WITH THIS?

But seriously. He had such knowledgeable and interesting things to say that I decided that I thought I should probably share it. If it's all right with you all, I think I may do this more often.

We: GOOD MORNING MATT! What are your thoughts on gangster rap?
Btw. I’m posting this conversation on my blog.
Matt: You’re asking me?
Yeah.
I think it’s getting boring.
I mean like NWA era gangster rap.
Amazing.
See I'm not a fan. But I feel I may be missing something.
I listened to straightedge hardcore when people were listening to NWA.
For me its the beat primarily that irks me. I can’t get down with it.
I was listening to En Vogue then.
Ha. Anyways, yeah it was def more a RAW sound. Not as produced.
Yeah definitely.
The money wasn’t there to fully develop. It was made for the streets. Not the club.
I think I miss some appreciation for things since I'm really heavily dance/beat oriented. That’s what my ear hears. So I wonder...what does your ear hear, since you do like it. Are you listening to the words?
I listen to the lyrics and the production. I appreciate where it all came from. The roots if you will. I've always been more about the beat and the sound.
What do you mean when you say the production. You’re listening to how it's made? Is that what you mean?
I'm talking about the final product. And the era of production. The tools used. Now there are countless tools used to produce music. Don’t even need instruments anymore. Today producers have all the tools in the world. I think a lot more love went into it then. Now a days, anyone and everyone makes hits.

So does that make for more boring music? I mean. It creates an over-saturated market?
The market now is garbage. Look at snap music.
What’s snap music?
Snap is like "Snap Yo Fingaz". All the snap music. D4L. Shit like that.
Right.
It’s just made to make a dollar. NWA was a story telling group and were telling a story in a way that no one had done before.
Then where do you think all those storytellers have gone? And why do you think there’s so little popular interest now in that?
People made money. Times change. People made money and moved on...or as Eazy did...he died.
And now they just want to...snap their fingers so to speak. (HA)
I think people really don’t care about anything but having it sound hot. Look at songs that rip the charts. This is why I'm hot? It’s all about money now. Make it rain?

Right. But so in the past rap music has been about…struggling...right?
Yup.
And it seems now it’s about being on top.
Now its like the struggle ended...well at least for the rapper.
About balling out...etc.
Yup. Exactly. Not even about skills anymore. It used to be about being a nice rapper. Now it’s about what truck you whip. How much ice is on your neck.
Well if this music (at least the way I see) is the art form and literally the voice of the people…if what’s coming out now is any reflection of "the people" then people are doing pretty damn well...or maybe people are ignoring their problems??
People learned. In the beginning, no one knew record companies were screwing them. Then people started realizing that the owners of these labels were balling out.
Right. So then they themselves started to ball out as well?
Now it’s a lot of indie rap killing it and dudes are BALLING.

But why do the indie rappers get so little attention. I think my point is, why the shift in the listeners? Can people no longer feel for the struggling guy?
The indie guys don’t have the money to spend on advertising
Ohhh
Double edged sword. A lot of people started on a major, made a little bread then started their own label.
Record sales don’t mean anything?
Record sales mean $$$. But if no one knows you made the record, what’s the point?
It’s kind of scary when you delve into it...the record industry seems as if its grown to titanic proportions...such a monopoly almost...its just a joke to think an average joe can really compete in the market.

Yeah. Myspace is helping so many little guys do their thing.
I think the Internet is really amazing. (understatement of the year haha.)
Ha. It truly is.
But seriously that’s come up a lot with all different types of people I’ve talked to; how the Internet has changed or shaped and helped their cause.
It helped me personally. That’s for sure.
How so?
Well when I joined myspace, you couldn’t change your top friends. And since I signed on so early I was everyone’s top friend so I was on everyone’s front page.
Hahahah yes you were my top friend for so long.
Exactly.
But I moved that shit so quickly as soon as I could ("ew matt. get off my page.")
jajajahaahaha
So that helped promote your music?
Yeah because of that, it generated a buzz. Like "who is project matt"?? Totally... and my posts had a lot of exclamation points. Made it sound fun!
And you are.
Promise and deliver.
Exactly. It’s hard though. Not as easy as you may think.

So. Are you making music now because you’re mostly inspired or because you’re mostly disappointed and want to change things?
A little of both. I make music because its fun and I can make music that I LIKE. And I'm really disappointed in the lack of good shit coming out. Even Three 6 Mafia is getting watered down. Money ruins everything.
Yeah. So where are you getting your inspiration to keep doing it?
I do what I do. Been doing it.
It must be hard then to pull on your creativity so much then.
Kind of. its like will i ever see a pay off? Hahah. I mean who wouldn’t love to make money doing what they love doing? But the minute you start making money everything changes.

That’s like I said before. About the record industry being so gigantic and impenetrable.
Yeah. New friends, new money, new rules.
It has a price. I think it just has to do with how much give you have to give to get that take.
Totally has a price. I just take it gig by gig. I'm not trying to get rich and famous. I just wanna play music for people and be able to put food on my plate. I still have a day job ya know.
Yeah. that seems like you don’t have a lot of give then. But that’s good I think. You'll decide and control what you’re putting your name on.
Exactly. I don’t have anyone telling me what to do or not do. Which is good and bad. I make a lot of bad decision. Hahha. But it's all a lesson learned..
Yeah this is only your first life. You’ve never done anything you’ve done before. So who the fuck knows. It's all learning.
All I know is that I love playing music for people. I've been doing since I was 9.
I was 3 when you were 9.
Shit.

2007-06-27T13:17:00.000-04:00

Q AND A TIME YA'LL!

Dear WeAreVeryWell,

SOOOOO, here's a question to ponder.
What do you do when people pose questions or make statements with an obviously wrong assumption about your character underneath it? Such as, "If you are looking to fight me I am not going to." When that's not what I am thinking. Or assumptions in general that have to do with physical appearance rather than character? I hate those the most. Or distant judgments based on things other than real communication, which generally, is surprisingly banal.

Hearts.

Dear Hearts,

Let me say this first: my initial reaction when I hear someone who runs into a lot of people that have a problem with or have things to say about the way they dress or the way they look, that person usually dresses, looks, acts, etc. in a way that tends to attracts said attention. This eye-catching sort can either be good or bad. Either way if you have the guts to go after your flare with such gusto, then more power to you and to hell with the haters.

Now, the thing that catches my eye about your particular problem is the example of "If you are looking to fight me I am not going to." At first I read that as "If you're looking to fight me I'm going to". I think due to my mild dyslexia, combined with the fact that I’ve heard that statement so many times come out of a drunk d-bag's mouth directed toward the most easily spotted, most flamboyant person in the room (this is usually based on looks)...and I just assumed that you were one such person. But rereading it I see it doesn't say that at all. Instead, it would seem as if you were the d-bag in this scenario, instigating a fight. So I ask, are you a d-bag?

I assume since you read this highly esteemed blog that you are not. That then leaves an interesting alternative.

It seems like if someone has to say to you that they aren't going to fight you, something you did or said must have led them to believe you were going to hurt them. Although I've seen some pretty brolic dudes that I was convinced were just looking for someone to eat as a snack, it's rare that someone would just go up to them because they looked tough and proclaimed they were not interested in fighting. It just doesn't make sense.

Maybe you're coming off more abrasive than you think. It could be that you've had a lot of people pick on you or people make snap judgments about you and now you have become a lot more bristly over the years, just expecting these reactions from everyone now.

My point is this: It seems as if you may have turned the tables and are judging that others are going to automatically receive you negatively. It may be the case that people are really being ignorant towards you, but as long as you feel cool with yourself try not to let it get to you, or you'll just end up holding on to all of that. No good.

2007-06-05T21:59:00.000-04:00

OH YEAH!

I'm also on the space.

please freind me.

http://www.myspace.com/weareverywellthankyou

love and sunshine.

2007-06-05T21:51:00.001-04:00

Hi Guys!!

How'd you like that last post!?!? Pretty rad huh???

Now listen, I feel like I've been on some sort of hellish job interview. I've bitten my preverbial nails to the preverbial quick. Have I passed the test? Will someone please write to me now? For crying out loud.

Perhaps you forgot my email address?? Allow me to oblige: weareverywellthankyou@yahoo.com !!!

Perhaps you forgot that it was completely anonymous!?!?!? Well, IT'S COMPLETELZY ANONYMOUS.

c'mon guys. if you love me, you'll dump all your sadness onto me.

xoxStephanie

2007-06-05T16:11:00.000-04:00

whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

or something like that.

I think I've lived in NY for close to 7 years now. A lot has changed. Come and gone. Friends, hangouts, school, jobs, apartments, pets. One thing that has been consistent though has been my sister. She and I moved here at the same time and, being the older sibling, has cared for me like a little lost baby duck when need be. She cooks for me, has premium cable, and let's me sleep at her house when I don't want to sleep at mine.

But all things, as they say, come to an end. She's moving in a month. At the core, I couldn't be happier for her. She's one of the few people I know that deserves nothing but happiness. And now she's found it....in TEXAS.

So where does that leave me? What about me? What's to become of ME? Who's going to make me Thanksgiving dinner??? I swear some people just don't think.

I was trying to think about this logically, like, "Stephanie, you've had people move away before. It'll be alright." But no. I haven't. I've always been the one to move. And then that just lead into a whole discourse with myself of whether I was a gypsy...but I'll leave that for a later date.

Anyways.

Other than wondering who's going to make mac n' cheese and watch The Santa Clause with me (and all the other things I would never admit to indulging in for fear of ruining my uber-cool rep), I've been thinking, who's going to be the person I hang out with when I don't want to be alone but I can't be muster an ounce of social prowess? Who's going to sit on the couch with me and not talk? Who'll be the person when I'm completely lost that's bigger, smarter, wiser, and wittier that'll show me the way (most times without saying a thing).

Of course, most of this could be accomplished by picking up the phone, but a girl only has so many minutes. What's more, one becomes a little too aware of the lack of chat when there's something on your face that you're required to talk into. Sitting on the couch in silence doesn't incur nearly as much awareness of one's pitiful lack of verve as sitting on the phone in silence does.

Bu the bottom line is this: I DONT WANT A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SISTER. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum here. You must understand, we weren't raised together and we've never lived together. We were always close, but the past 7 years have been like a dream to me. When I was a kid I would visit my dad and my sister during the summer. I absolutely idolized her. I would have 2 months of getting to just be around her and basically learn what life was like 6 years in the future. She was the end-all-be-all of what was what in the world. And now our time here has basically been an extension of that. Being around her, having her available to me pretty much whenever I want has been like having my own personal yogi down the block. If ever I'm feeling down on myself, I just think...ok where was sis at this stage? Or, what's sis doing with her life? Depending on the answer I either chill the hell out or kick my ass into gear. She's a dipstick kind of.

By the way. I don't, nor have I ever referred to my sister as "sis". I choose to do so here solely for anonymity.

So, when she first told me I wasn't as affected as this. I reasoned that I knew this was coming. It only made sense. They were in love, he lives in Houston, she's able to work from home, he's not...a + b + c + d= I'm kidnapping your sister. And, oh. She loves Texas. (who doesn't?!?!)

So yeah I was a little sad, but for the most part I was just happy she was happy. But now the date is practically upon us and I don’t know how happy I am. I feel as if my life is going to turn into one of those AT&T commercials where the sisters call each other up once a month and laugh and talk for like 4 hours about their husbands and babies and then hang up and go on about their day. Cue the weepy music. That's not me and my sister. The beauty of our relationship is that we don't talk. And when we do it's always some nonsensical joke that comes out of nowhere that makes us laugh hysterically for about 20-25 minutes...and then we go back to watching The Santa Clause.

But mostly, having her close I've been able to learn by seeing. As subtle (and creepy) as it may be, I've used my sister as a model for how I handle pretty much any situation. I just watch her. Like a hawk. How is that going to work when she's across the country? I just don't know if it will. I'm losing my spirit guide.

I'm currently reading A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry. Seriously, an excellent book. There's been so much to it that's touched my heart and I've found so relevant, so I wasn't surprised that while in the midst of my fit about my sister I read something that really helped to give me a little perspective.

"In fact, that is the central theme of my story: loss. But isn't it the same with all life stories? Loss is essential. Loss is part and parcel of that necessary calamity called life. Mind you, I'm not complaining. Thanks to some inexplicable universal guiding force, it is always the worthless things we lose- slough off, like a molting snake. Losing and losing again, is the very basis of the life process. Until we are left with the bare essence of human existence."

Now, I don't think my sister is worthless, but it did make me think that maybe I don't need my spirit guide as close as I thought I did. At least not anymore. After all, where's my sister's older sister? Nowhere.

It all goes together with all the things I've been thinking lately. I'm trying to worry less and less about this idea of "What will become of me???" I'm not mentally handicapped or lazy or completely intolerable. I do however have a knack for not giving myself enough credit and I think that ought to stop. I got myself to where I am now which is a pretty alright place, and maybe ok NO, I haven't had to deal with a sister moving away, but there have been other bumps.
And I housed those bitches.

2007-05-10T12:49:00.000-04:00

The Prodigal Blogger.

I'm so sorry. How much did you miss me? Sixteen tons? Eleven tons? Ok. Fine. Seven tons.

So, I have a friend that recently got out of a very long relationship. After getting her own place, re-aquatinting herself with friends she may of lost touch with, and just generally rearranging her life, she's back out in the dating scene. Her experiences have illuminated something for me: DATING IS WEIRD.

I admit that I've been quite uncomfortable in my dating skin as of late. I didn't really put much thought into it, but listening to her as well as many other friends, I've started to think that maybe I'm not the only one. Wonderful. Excellent. I'm so glad.

The problems that my recently single friend has been having hasn't been that she's not finding someone that interests her (we should all be so lucky) but more there has been a lot of intense interest and courting followed by complete 180s.

Having a look at my own concerns I tried to piece it together. I know that I have been looking at dating much as I would a cinnamon bun: It's pretty and I'm sure it tastes great, but I'm not really a sweets person and after you take two bites it's pretty nauseating, so...meh.

But could my disinterest be pervasive? In an attempt to pacify myself, I'm going to go ahead and say yes.

I did try to think of it from a lot of different angels. It could be this city. It could be my tax bracket. It could be that I hang around a lot of sissies. But in the end all of those things still had one thing in common: age.

The mid twenties is such a volatile, undefined time, at least from what I'm discovering. One day you may be completely committed to something that the next day seems totally irrelevant. There's a lot of push and pull. And it isn't just dating. However I think that's the first thing that suffers. These days I wake up and think, "Essentially, I'm the same person I was yesterday." I do this a lot. This may be more frightening for me than with others. When I was a kid I was a completely different person if I changed my shoes. There was actually a day when I was 9 or so that I absolutely refused to respond to the same name twice. I was a weird, yes, but I think that everyone can relate to the unhinged freedom you have as a kid.

I suppose that could be the heart of it: it's hard to start to feel your own fixedness without associating that with stagnation.

For example, I have a dog. With all the walking and the checkups and the baths, I curse her existence daily. But then she turns around and learns how to fetch! WHAT!?! And so I keep her. I'll tell you though, I feel trapped most of the time by her dependence. Do you see? And that's just a dog.

A lot of this reminds me of the very first time I realized I was a real person. I was about 17 years old, I had just gotten my car and I had gotten a raise at the restaurant I worked at (assistant manager...woot woot.) Anyways, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. and a commercial for this home appliance store came on. They were advertising a sale on refrigerators and I realized I could buy one. I, if I were so inclined, could buy a refrigerator. I imagined what else I could possibly do. Apartments, gym memberships, car payments. The possibilities were endless. I wanted to vomit.

But back to what I was saying. I guess what I'm getting at (in my very endearing roundabout way) is that we're learning the push and the pull. I know I am. What's important, what takes work, that your life becomes less about the day to day.

I'm also learning that we impact. I think that's the thing that has kept a relationship at bay with me. I have a great responsibility. I exist in the world. I impact. I effect. And what's more: People affect me...and deeply.
Right now it's easy to fall back on the anonymity of being a kid. You can be someone's BEST FRIEND!! for a week when you're a kid and then just disappear. No sweat. I had like a million. And I let a million go. Like little savages running after nothing in particular, they all disappeared. I did the same thing. It's so easy to let people go when you're a baby because the only one that matters really is you.

"Forever doesn't seem that long until you're grown"

But now I can't let people go so easily, so I'm reluctant to grab hold in the first place. Of course there are many times where you grab someone and let go as if they were on fire. NO! NOT RIGHT.

But when it is right, goddamn. All of the lessons that you've learned along the way start to grab you, shake you, and scream at you "YOU COULD QUITE POSSIBLY MAKE AN INFORMED, INTELLIGENT DECISION RIGHT NOW!"

It's like when you finally are allowed to drive alone. You've done all the tests, practiced for 900 hours, and then finally your mom throws you the keys and asks you to go buy milk. YES!

My heart and my brain have battled it out, I've played a lot of the games, I've tried on a lot of hearts and minds (that was totally code for I'm such a slut), and now the mind and the soul are ready to move in unison. And I admit, they make such a beautiful sound. It's lovely to listen to yourself come alive and wake up and trust that you know this heart. But it's such a powerful place. I don't know if I'm ready to hear the song let alone sing it to someone else.

I hope someone feels me on this...cause it would just be embarrassing if not.

2007-04-10T15:52:00.000-04:00

The Internet is starting to FREAK ME OUT.

I've been noticing this strange trend lately with pop-ups, ad banners, and spam emails: they all seem to be revolving more and more around me. Now, I know that it could very well just be me being self-absorbed, but as I am quite aware of how self-absorbed I am, I think I take these observances with a bigger grain of salt than anyone else. Having said so, I can honestly say my self-absorption isn't the problem here. It has seriously come to the point of creepsville and I can no longer chalk it up to mere out of hand conceit.

I'm sure it's right about here you're cutting your eyes at the computer screen, thinking, "What the hell is wrong with this person".

1) I had coffee today for the first time in about 5 months. That is a whole other story unto itself...and,
2) I have examples damn it.

Ex #1: Today I received about 734 spam emails. Not entirely uncommon, as I've had my email address pretty much since the day I learned how to speak. Consequently, everyone under the sun has it by now. I wouldn't be surprised if the emails I get from people in small villages in obscure African countries pleading for my help in shady business transactions actually did come from people in small villages in obscure African countries. I take "famous on the Internet" to a whole new level.

Anyways, as I was busy sorting through the morning barrage, I noticed that I was having a slightly harder time than usual deciphering between loving emails from friends and these sneaky bastards. And then it hit me: the spam emailers all had first names of people I not only know, but correspond with regularly. These messages weren't from James or Sally (I don't know anyone named Sally...), but Francesca, Magdalena, and Linda. These aren't everyday names. They just aren't.

(Please keep in mind this is the creepiest example. The creep the broke the creeped out camel's creeped out back, if you will. The following examples will all be less creepy, but ultimately serve as creep support.)

Ex. #2: I'm on About.com about once a day, researching recipes, weird ailments, cures for weird ailments, etc. Lately I've been noticing the banners have been increasingly more apropos. The best example I have is, of course, the most recent. I spent an entire day last week googling horror movie posters (what?). The next morning, as I'm looking up what on earth I should do with the chicken that's been residing in my freezer for a good 9 months, a pop-up pops up for allposters.com. What do you think their advertising image is?? Of course it's a poster from the Halloween 3. A Francais no less! The very poster I was looking for! Could you be anymore obvious!?!

I had just seen the movie, if you really must know.

Ex #3: On the numerous occasions I been log into my yahoo account, they're always advertising some service or other that yahoo offers. Lately they've been advertising the personals a little too much if you ask me. Why I ask are the featured profiles either of a guys in Houston or guys in Brooklyn...I'm sorry..but I realize yahoo has provided me my most relied on form of communication over innumerable years and for free to boot...but this is sort of insulting. Are they aware of how few love emails I get? Is THAT what we're getting at here?

Now I know I've made quite a disorganized, if not completely uninteresting stab at this conspiracy theory, but the facts can't be denied. I'm choosing to take these somewhat insubstantial events as flat-out threats...

All together, these things very clearly state: "We know what you're up to everyday.... and we could make things easy for you, tailoring pop-ups and banners to your needs, but there's a flip side to this coin, girly...cause you damn well know we're keeping tabs of everything else you search around for...and we mean everything..."

I have been officially warned. As have the rest of you.

2007-03-21T16:18:00.000-04:00

Dearest Rational Thinking Machine,

I am having a slight issue with communication. With everyone. This applies on many levels. Mainly:

A) my boss is quite the hater. I am not sure how to address questions she asks at me such as "what are you THINKING?!?!" and "Helllloooooo. do you hear me?!?!"
ummmm....
is there a decent response and or reaction to this type of inquiry?
I feel disrespected to put it mildly.
B) I haven't figured out how to respond to a friend who continually pushes my buttons, whom I cannot escape from. Believe me, shes IN MY LIFE. She works to annoy me. I think she stays up at night plotting retarded things to start a problem.
C) How do I tell men (boys?) that I am either interested in them or NOT interested in them? They never seem to get the net on this particular point.
They are just not reading me right. And I consider myself a really honest girl.

So it's an all around thing....am I saying things too bluntly? Does brutal honesty even work? Is everyone else just off? Is it me? What? Seriously.

Sincerely,
Incommunicado

Dearest Incommunicado,

So let's break this down, shall we?

A) Of course there's a decent response to this inquiry. It would be something along the lines of "Would you like to tell me what you'd like me to be thinking or are you just going to continue to go on about how stupid I am?" or "Of course I hear you, but I've started to block you out since you don't have anything remotely constructive to say." That would be if you wanted to get fired.
Back to the real world. If this is happening a lot then it's one of two things: either she's a terrible manager, or you could care less about your job. If it's the former, tell her that you're having a hard time understanding what it is she wants from you. I would send her a quick email asking for a second to chat or just peek your head in her office and see if she's busy. As for what to say, just make it clear that you understand that there are times when she's not pleased about how you've handled something, but it's counter-productive to attack you for them and throw out general statements like "What were you thinking?!?!?!" Obviously you weren't thinking in the way that she assumed you would. Next time, her and your time would be better spent going over exactly what was issue and how to kep it from happening again.

However, if it's the latter, scrap all of this and find a new job.

B) How to respond? You don't. This person is a goat-getter. For crying outloud, HIDE YOUR GOATS. I bet she loves you because you're so easily riled. This person is a peace stealer. You know this. Why would you let them steal your peace? It's like being friends with a pick pocket and not stipulating that your friendship can only be maintained via phone/fax. You see them for what the are, and you're choosing (yes, I said you're choosing) to have them in your life, then you must learn to expect as little as possible from this person. Look at it as a game. I have a friend like this. I call them my hate friend. In order to make it fun for myself, I like to see how many minutes it takes for something hateful to come out of their mouth. It's almost always under five.

Let me expand upon why I insist it's your choice. You say she's "in your life". All that says to me is that something about the situation makes it too unpleasent to extract yourself, so you're just settling for the lesser of two evils. Let's be honest. Even if it's walking over a bed of hot coals with rusty nails in them, you always have an out. People always claim that there's just nothing they can do, but nothing could be further from the truth. You could get out of it, but you're choosing not to. Key words: you're choosing. Own it. You aren't a victim of life. You can continue to think of yourself as the victim of this wholely unfortunate lot in life, ruing the day that your paths crossed..woe is you and all that nonsense Or you can realize that you decide what gets into your soul and what doesn't.

In the preeminent film The Neverending Story, there is a scene where the protagonist's trusty steed Artex sinks into the Swamps of Sadness and ultimately dies because he's unable to keep his own peace. Eventhough he is fully aware that the sole purpose of the place is to drag people down into its own misery, he chooses to let it get to him and is therefore drowned in the desolate melancholy. Although you can hardly blame him, we are presented with another character that proves that however difficult it may be, it isn't impossible to be the veil and not the feather, as it were. Atreyu is able to see the sadness for what it is: it's own and not his. As you may remember, he does not die and goes on to be smoking hot throughout the rest of the film.

Oh, the wisdom contained in stories for babies.

Now, I know that correlation was tennuous at best, but I imagine that you can see where I'm going with this.

If you do insist on confronting this person about their tranqulity thievery, it's best to keep it short and sweet. Tell them their actions have a really negative affect on your relationship with them and it's starting to make you ill-disposed towards them. It would also be wise to have several specific examples. I've found that when dealing with crazy you must be well prepared.

C) Hm...I don't think it's hard to tell someone you're not interested. The problem usually arises from the other person's inacceptance of it. If someone is truly not getting the hint after repeated rebuffs, just let it go. If they aren't getting the hint and it's making you uncomfortable, you need to cut it off. COMPLETELY. No more explanations of why you ain't feeling it. No more friends. No more any of that. This persom doesn't have any respect for you, so you shouldn't have any for them.

As for letting people know you're interested, this isn't difficult either. If you're into someone, just send out the signals. Ask them on a date if you really want to cut to the chase. If they reject you then "he's just not that into you", as they say. However if they accept, then you're set. Unless you're an ice queen, your vibes should be sufficient from here on out. You shouldn't have to continue to reassure them of your interest.

Now if it's a case of someone you're already dating and they're playing the wishy-washy game, or they're insecure and constantly questioning your interest, 1) you done got yourself a baby boy on your hands, and 2) there's not much you can do. You can either spend your days reassuring him over and over again or constantly playing along with the power struggle (no thanks) or you can kick his butt to the curb and spend all that energy finding a man who will dip you in chocolate and spend the rest of his life licking it off. Say word.

I must say that for all your "honesty" it doesn't seem to be getting you much of anywhere. I think the problem lies in the fact that it's unclear to you what you're trying to be honest about. There's a difference between being honest and being clear. You can be honest till the sun falls out of the sky, pouring out every detail of your heart and mind, but that won't get you much of anywhere unless you know what your goal is. Honesty is definitely a good start, but take all that information and make it intelligable. It's a really good skill to work on and also one that a lot of people shirk. Communication is more than saying what you think. The goal is understanding and comprehension, not solely declaration.

2007-03-06T15:27:00.000-05:00

I've always had an aversion to them. They're just abrasive. And always so lame. Aside from this, it's still such an ambiguous feeling of distaste for me. There's never been a definitive or identifiable reason. Why do they bother me so much??

And this morning a perfect analogy dawned on me. As I walked past a run down old jalopy with a plate that read "tinfly" I thought to myself, 'Tinfly? What does that even mean? I see that it's most likely made of tin...but there's no way that this car can fly?'

Ack. I DO NOT CARE.

And then it came to me: Vanity plates are like those people that insist on engaging in an inside joke when with a group of people who aren't all included in said joke. It's just rude. We all know the type. Inevitably they're the people that need to be the center of attention and are feeling a little left out or are just plain not interested in the current conversation. So they latch on to each other and start whispering about "Pencil Guts" or something equally nonsensical. And of course rounds of the most overdone laughs and knee slaps/foot stamps ensue.

I have to admit I have been this person. Sometimes you just can't help it. But at least recognize that I'm being obnoxious.

In the same way an inside joker must communicate that they are indeed hilarious, albeit not currently, these vanity platers must let everybody know that they too have made a big enough impact in some part of their life to warrant a sign that speaks of it.

In a related story, my dad tried to buy me a new VW Volkswagen when I got accepted to Pratt for photography. I flat out refused after he insisted that my new ride would have vanity plates that read "shtrbug".

2007-02-26T18:16:00.000-05:00

I just loved the Oscars last night. I'm not a huge fan of award shows. They seem so boring and most of the time the stars that are being honored act like big brats and I just want to smack someone. If someone gave me an award I'd probably faint and cry and kiss everyone in the room. It's just such an honor to be recognized for something you're passionate about so it really gets under my skin to see someone ungrateful or underappreciative. There should be a gratitude-o-meter on the stage. So say when people like Zach Braff get up there and start acting all snotty the award gets yanked right out of their hand and the floor opens up under them and swallows them whole. Three cheers for that idea.

Anyways, it was a night of love for me. I just loved all of it. Everyone there seemed just pleased as punch. Ellen Degeneres was excellent..although I would've been more happy if she had worn a dress. There's just something about a tomboy lesbian in a dress that I adore. Otherwise she was perfect.

Even the political asides were so devoid of the alll-too-common self-righteous air. Everyone there was so united. It truly felt like a great community getting together to love and honor each other.

Ok enough with the love.

Worst dressed:

Abigail Breslin

I'm sorry. I know she's 12 or whatever, but she ISN'T SEVEN. Why on earth did she wear something that looks employees fromLisa Frank, Laura Ashley, and The Children's Place just took turns vommiting on her? Maybe it's my serious aversion to seeing any young girl between the ages of 5 and 18 dress up (they just look so awkward!), but she looked ridiculous up there in the front row. I could've smacked her. I really could've.

Rachel Weiss

Was she in a wedding earlier? From the looks of the crazy lipstick and the out of control hairdo, it seems as if she lost track of time making out with a groomsman in a closet and had to rush over on her motorcycle. You've looked better..

Beyonce Knowels

Now, don't get me wrong. Beyonce is what I like to call 'Beyond'ce. You could tar and feather the girl, cut off all her hair, and put her in a potato sack and she would still be hotter than you. You just don't really see people that are this amazingly attractive very often. That being said, why does she insist on perpetuating the Barbie™ doll thing. I mean, come on. You're already on the verge of looking absolutely ridiculous just from being so ideal, so why would you wear clothes that seriously make you look like I just unwrapped you on Christmas morning?! Oscar Barbie™!!!

Kirsten Dunst

Kirsten, Kirsten, Kirsten. WHY!? I am all for thinking outside the box..but next time could you please remember to take your sense and a full length mirror along with you when you step outside the box? And on that note, what box were you trying to think outside of? The "looking good" box? It's not just the dress...or the hair...but more the fact that I feel a little burned by this bad decision. I love the Olsens, I love Chloe, I love Maggie...so I take it as an insult of my judgement when one of them goes so far into the edgy/quirky that it loops around to bad. There's a fine line and if you can't walk it, don't even try.

Kelly Preston

Wht can I say? You buy your dress off the sale rack at Victoria Secret the day of the show, this is what you're going to end up with.

Jennifer Hudson ON THE RED CARPET

I understand she's trying to hide her big arms, but why would you do it was tin foil? Why try to hide something not terrible with something that is? You're just drawing more attention to your big arms AND you're poor fashion sense. Wait. This just noticed. There are pockets! POCKETS!? What would she keep in there?! Snacks? Her speech? Her Oscar? I am not a fan of the formal pocket.

Jennifer Lopez

"Hi I'm Jennifer Lopez. Remember when I dated Puff Diddy and I wore a black spandex crop top and skirt ensemble circa MTV's The Grind and a ponytail to the Grammy's?"

YES I DO. And no amount of whatever this soccer mom meets pregnant blinged out greek goddess nonsense look is going to make me forget it.

Best Dressed:

Kate Winslet

I could just breathe her she looks so fresh! Or chew her like a piece of gum! Who's going to say she wouldn't freshen my breath??

Penelope Cruz

Would you just look at that! Look at her go! You dont get any better. She looks like she escaped from a perfume commercial and I think it's perfect. When I go to the Oscars I know I'm going to dress up to the MAX. All out ballgown time. When else do you get to do that? It's nice to see that Penelope and I are on the same page.

Meryll Streep

Now, I know a lot of people would not agree with me, but I have to give Meryll some serious claps for this. Maybe its the fact that she looks exactly like my kindergarten teacher and I just want to curl up in her lap and make popscicle art. But also, for an older actress I feel like it's perfectly acceptable to wear something that might do just as well at a PTA meeting because hell, she probably did just come from a PTA meeting. Also, I imagine that she and Jessica Lange sit around with members ot the "distinguished academy" drinking whiskey and slamming the poor hollywood starlets that go balls out year after year and don't just chill. I think that's a run-on...oh well. It was for Meryll.

Nicole Kidman

Dear Beyonce,
This is how one would go about getting the Barbie™ doll look right.
Sincerely,
Stephanie

p.s. Did you know my dad is in love with Nicole Kidman. Um, yea dad. That's like being in love with puppies. OBV.

Anne Hathaway

Everyone is hating on poor Anne for this dress and I just don't get it. I love it. I just love it so much. She looks stunning and I think everyone is just jealous. One website went so far as to call this Valentino dress a "bedspread". I would pay to see Garavani Valentino backhand the piss out of whoever wrote that.

Gwenyth Paltrow

I can't say that this picture does any justice, but when she walked out on stage I was so impressed. It fits like a glove and what a body there is to fit. Two babies have done wonders for this skinny lady's figure.

Cate Blanchett

Nevermind that she looks like a robot assasin from the future tha would laser beam my head off if I said anything even remotely negative about the way she looks...she looks like a robot assasin from the future tha would laser beam my head off if I said anything even remotely negative about the way she looks!!

and as for the best thing of the entire night

COULD YOU JUST CHEW ON HER FLAWLESS FACE!?

I could for at least 10-15 minutes.

2007-02-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

I'm just wondering for how long I will be doomed to chase after the wrong guys.

The nothingness just recently took the place of my seemingly normal, beautiful, sweet, warm, tenderhearted man. Invasion of the body snatchers anyone?

But seriously. How many times is someone expected to put up with this situation? You start seeing someone and everything seems all good. I mean, it really seems all good...come-live-at-my-house all good. Not only are there phone calls when you expect a phone call, there're unexpected phone calls AND text messages for the express purpose of romance; there're deep, honest, meaningful conversations; there're jokes that have you rolling on the floor, crying and unable to breathe; there're cuddle sessions that make your heart want to burst; and there're kisses that would melt iron. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds about right. And then one day, completely out of the blue, they flip the switch. Exit Dr. Jekyll, enter Mr. Hyde if you will. Actually, in this case, exit Dr. Jekyll...AND NEVER HEAR FROM OR OF HIM AGAIN.

Who does that???

Ok. Ten points to the person who can guess exactly how that feels.

Good!

So, I guess I'm Wile E. Coyote in this scenerio. However, I feel anything but wily.

Although I think I have hit on the ideal analogy. Oh how I love an analogy...

I just spent a few minutes reminiscing about watching Looney Tunes as a kid. This cartoon was definitely one of my favorites. Here was this little guy making a completely fool out of himself...just endlessly chasing after the seemingly dumbest animal in the whole world. And not only was his prey worthless (it was A BIRD. What did he exactly expect to feast on if caught?), all of his efforts kept blowing up in his face...not to mention injuring him severely. One trick after another would fail miserably, but he'd never get the hint. But, who can blame the fellow for aiming so poorly. They were after all, in the desert. What else was there? I loved it even more when he talked. He was so wry and genteel. I thought it was hilarious and perfect. You'd expect him to be a maniac, but no. He was perfectly logical. No wonder he never quit. There was no reason that he should fail.

Sound familiar? Unsettling so.

Let's face it. The dating field is a little uneven. I do feel as if I'm in a desert. I do feel as if I run myself ragged after anything that could be considered sustenance. I do feel as if all my efforts no matter how well thought out, come crashing back onto me. I do feel like I look like a crazy person in the process. And to drive it home, I do feel like I just shouldn't be failing. I'm a perfectly logical, level-headed person. I just can't accept that I could be bested by anyone.

My point is though I don't want to be Wile E. Coyote. He was a complete joke.

I recently read a short essay about real animals that live in the desert. They couldn't be more opposite. They conserve their energy and ultimately survive by moving as little as possible. The author was comparing these animals with our future generations and the qualities they would have to possess in order to survive in the ever-increasing emotionally devoid landscape of America. Here here!

I don't want to sound bitter at all. But I am realizing that I am letting myself be taken in by illusions. Sure, my time wasn't completely wasted..it was fun and made me feel on top of the world. But the low of this is so much more profound than any high from a "You're the best." text message.

As unromantic as it sounds, there's something to be said for saving your time and energy and effort..as well as saving your heart from unsolicited confusion. What's wrong with a little conservation? I'll move of course when the time is right. But no more moving for the sake of doing so.

2007-02-14T19:15:00.000-05:00

The Master Cleanse's was pronounced dead at 11:25 pm on January 25th, 2007. It was later reported that it kicked the bucket due to injuries suffered after a severe attack by a couple of tacos from San Loco.

Mexicans are nothing but a menace...

2007-02-14T17:30:00.000-05:00

The time that passes between posts seems to be growing and growing and this time I have no excuse. Sure, I could blame it on what seems to have been the death of misfortune, but why pass the buck? And instead of mourning the loss of the lost, I would like to celebrate. Isn't that amazing?! I mean, boy did I pick the wrong hobby to take up, but what's one broken dream compared to all the world's happiness? You have to break a few eggs...etc etc.

Side note: Speaking of eggs, I was in the grocery store yesterday and they had quail eggs. Nevermind that a few months back I was completely let down by the very same supermarket in my search for Lil' Smokies™. Something is wrong with this.

Anyways
I'm just happy I could be there to tie up the last few ends, helping along those last stragglers. What timing.

However, I must say I feel a little left out. I guess I was too busy worrying about other people to read the memo that the age of vexation was coming to a close and I should wrap it up.

****

I suppose that kind of cuts to my point (or problem...jeez they're EVERYWHERE.). It's hard to work on your own problems when you help others, obviously. But I've realized something that furthers that idea: Not only is it hard to think about your issues, it's actually easy to think you're totally alright and devoid of strife when you're an advice giver…because obviously I have it all figured out. How dangerous.

Recently a friend asked me, or rather told me that they were intrigued as to why I would choose to have such a column. Whether they were alluding to the fact that they think I'm a hack, I cannot say. Although, it did get me thinking: why deal in other people's demons when you have so many to handle yourself? Could I quite possibly be any more in denial? Nope.

Of course this isn’t the first time this thought has crossed my mind, but since the answer I arrive at is rather unsavory I usually push away this particular introspection in lieu of more favorable ones...like how excellent my shoes are.

Funny I would choose to say it like that.

Sometimes there's an angry charging bulltigerhurricanelandlsidetsunamiavalanche coming straight at you. And then say you look down at your shoes in order to admire them one last time before your eminent demise, and you notice they’re untied. Isn't it easier (and wiser) to stoop down and tie it before dealing with the aforementioned combatant? And my how you tie that shoe. Never has a lace been twined with such care. Actually, maybe you should just go ahead and relace the whole thing; just to make sure everything's even. Now that you're looking at it you realize that you need a whole new pair of shoes! How did you not notice this before?! Well, this is a whole other issue entirely and of course it requires immediate attention. That raging crazy animal natural disaster thing will just have to wait.

And so it goes.

I suppose my challenge will be to balance these things.

They say one of the first rules of psychology is to not destroy the fourth wall. Meaning not to ever use the "I", never share problems. This apparently keeps the focus and the brainpower, both your and their, on your subject's issues. I have been attempting to adhere to this as much I can. But seeing as though I'm not going to be a psychologist anytime soon and I have shit to work out...and it's my corner of the internet, I'm going to flip the switch and pretty much do the mental equivalent of a table dance. Everybody look at ME.

So you'll be hearing a lot more of my own issues. And who knows. Maybe it'll bring those shy little rabbits that have been so sweet to compliment me on my blogging, but have been too timid to ask those questions they've only just hinted at, for fear of being so exposed. (gasp)

You are not alone. I too am just barely keeping my head above the waters...only to spy the next crashing wave.

****Thank you Dave Chappelle for one of many jokes that NEVER gets old

2007-01-25T14:09:00.000-05:00

Excuse my absence.

Over the last few days I've been engaged in a fierce battle. It's tested my will to live, my physical endurance, and my spiritual and psychological limits. I've had to face countless demons only to be forced to beat them back against Brobdingnagian tides of adversity. I have lost myself and had to dive to the depths of my very soul to retrieve even a shred of a reason to why I should recover what was lost.

I have been Master Cleansing for 93 now and I feel like I'm going to eat my own arm if I don't get a cheeseburger.

The torture of self-induced starvation is like no other solely because it's something you're doing to your self. I have let my inner slave driver loose upon myself, of all people. I must be insane. I must have, somewhere, somehow, lost my marbles. It's the only explanation.

For those of you who haven't heard of the Master Cleanse, it's basically a 10 day journey into Hades, where the only thing you're allowed to consume is warm salt water, Senna tea, and lemonade made from maple syrup, lemons, and cayenne pepper.

WTF, ya'll.

This magical concoction supposedly has the power to cleanse your system of anything that may be plaguing it. Ulcers? Banished! Mucus? Finished! Acne? Deceased! Third nipple? Ok, you'll have to go to a dermatologist for that. But it's a minor procedure and you could probably do it on your lunch hour.

When I first read about this cleanse, I have to say, I was NOT AT ALL skeptical. I accepted it as mother's milk. I attempted it at that time. I actually got to the very place I am now. The fourth day. But I had a lunch meeting with a client and I felt it would be unprofessional to not eat and only drink from a bottle that I was keeping in my purse. …And I was starving to death. Also, there weren't any mind blowing "results"...if you catch my drift. Ew.

This time around I'm wiser and with that wisdom has come the skepticism. However, regardless I am sticking to it this go-round. I'm determined to do the whole ten days. Even if nothing happens at least I can say I did it all the way through and be able to say with authority that the Master Cleanse is a crock of shit. Whereas the last time there was a little voice in my head that kept nagging me with things like "I bet if you had stuck with it just one more day something big would have happened." I must dispel of these questions and find the truth I so desperately seek.

You may be wondering what it must feel like to not eat for four days. Unless of course you're anorexic. Then you're probably not wondering that at all. For the rest of you I’ll tell you it's hellish. That's the only word I can think of. Sure, there are some benefits that I've noticed. I have a little bit more energy. My circulation seems a bit better. I have more time in the day now that I no longer need a lunch break. Who likes those anyways? I’ve also developed a ridiculous sense of smell. But I don’t know if I would consider any of these things amazing, starve-yourself-stupid-to-get benefits. On the whole I just feel hungry. That's it. It seems to be all I can think of. From what foods I miss, to what foods I want to try, to how much I miss chewing, it's ALL I can think about.

I feel ridiculous and I'm really having the hardest time continuing this. I keep reading all these other people's experiences and I just feel like calling bullshit.

Who knows? Perhaps by tomorrow all will be righted. I don't really see that happening though unless I find my face in a pepperoni personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut®.

Either that or this cleanse forces a brontosaurus from my bowels.

2007-01-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

Hi weareverywell,

I recently received the following email from a good friend's boyfriend:

Subject line: love
Body of email: I love you.

This boy has a history of drunkenly pulling me aside at parties to
Tell me that I’m beautiful, etc, etc. I’ve managed to keep this under
wraps and have told no one about any of these incidents. Even if it's
just an affectionate gesture, it still makes me feel awkward because
I don't know him that well. That being said, he is a really great guy
and doesn't set off any warning bells aside from this little quality.

My friend and this guy are in a serious relationship ... met the
parents, talk of moving in together, marriage, etc. after this last
email, I’m officially freaked out. Do I ignore it like I usually do?
or acknowledge it in a joking manner? There’s something different
about seeing it in writing. I want to be able to hang out with them,
my boyfriend and I enjoy double dating with them. Please advise?

Sincerely,
walking on eggshells

Dear Walking,

I understand not wanting to blow something out of proportion and risk a friendship and getting all messy, etc. I understand he's a "great guy and doesn't set off any warning bells aside from this little quality."

You truly are walking on eggshells.

NOT.

Ahem...ARE YOU KIDDING!?

Here's what I would look like after opening such an email:

Even after such a glowing review from you, I still am more focused on your statements “my good friend’s boyfriend” and “I don’t know him that well.”

He very well may be a great, fun guy to hang out with, but he is so out of line here it's incredible. This isn’t a “little quality”. This is a huge red flag. You can see this red flag from outer space. I just received a noise complaint from China about this alarm bell.

Now, if this girl was just having some fun with this guy and was in no way serious, then fine. Let him be the biggest sleaze on the block. No skin off anyone’s back.
But the steps that he and she are talking about taking are major, life-changing, gigantic, serious steps. Everything needs to be on the table and they both need to know what they’re getting into, as well as with whom.

You need to make it clear to him that it was a mistake that you've let things slide in the past, but this is too much and you've drawn the line. The girlfriend has to know. He should ABSOLUTELY be the one to tell her. After all, he made this bed. However, if he refuses, then you'll have to. Either way she has to know. No question.

If a blind person were about to walk barefoot across hot coals, you'd stop them. Right? Right.

People say and do things all the time when they're drunk that they don't mean. However, this isn't the case here. It's a recurring issue and by the sound of things, it's just getting more intense.

As for bringing it up as a joke, I would avoid the lighthearted route. It isn't a joke and it is far from funny.

It's all very unpleasant and embarrassing and you will most likely lose a friend. The fact that you haven't called him out sooner will probably cost you the girl's friendship as well. But, as they get more serious and invested, think of how much more unpleasant and embarrassing it will be when it eventually does surface.

And surface it will. Trust me, it will be ten thousand times more hideous if something isn’t done now.

I'm sorry if you really love to grab drinks with these two crazy kids, but this is a shade more important than that.

Honestly, the best case is that being faced with losing a woman that matters very much to him will make this guy come correct and rededicate to the relationship. If she chooses to forgive him they could get through this. People do. Working through something so difficult can strengthen the relationship once the trust is regained.

The worst case: they break up and you need to find a new couple to do brunch with.

2007-01-10T13:12:00.000-05:00

Hello HELLO. Happy New Year and all of it!! There have been so many things that have been happening...where to start? At the beginning I suppose.

So, the beginning…When I last left off I was in the midst of holiday madness, trying to accept with grace the shift in my holiday responsibilities from pretty much nothing to a whole hell of a lot. Or as I have chosen to start referring to it as: from receiver to giver.
Now that the holiday season is over and I have fully tried out my "embrace the hard way" approach, I'd have to say that it was very, very helpful.

In a very surprising turn of events, this mindset helped me with a holiday issue that had been plaguing my season for a while now. Every Christmas I go back to good ol' Texas with visions of crisp, clear air with a hint of firewood and sage, mugs full of cocoa by the fire, a toasty couch to lounge on with all the cable and snacks I could ever consume, giant hugs from gorgeous family and friends that have only managed to get more gorgeous and interesting over the past year, and, of course, a tidy, respectable mountain of gifts. There's also a Maine Coon cat in there somewhere. All in all, a very J. Crew Christmas.

Call me ridiculous. Go ahead. But that's what I see when I think of home for the holidays.

Let me interrupt here to interject a thought that is somewhat relevent. A phenomenon that has always fascinated me was the syndrome that most always accompanies people with eating disorders: those that are afflicted with a severely distorted self-image. These poor people look in the mirror and, although they weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 and a half pounds, they see is a giant walrus staring back at them, condemning their inability to keep control of their disgusting eating habits.
(On a sidenote: The flip side is even more intriguing. You know, those metric ton ladies who are most often seen running around the set of Jerry Springer in a hot, little Fredrick's of Hollywood number. They're almost always accompanied by an entourage of around 11 illegitamate children.)

Well, in case you were wondering the point of that digression, I'd like to say that I too may have been a victim of a distorted self-image... Every year, no matter how convinced I am of the J. Crew-iness awaiting me, from the moment I step off the plane, slowly but surely, my ass is kicked back into the outlet store that is my reality.

The first misconception that comes to my attention is of course the lack of clean, crisp air. Houston is one of the most polluted and humid cities in America. One step out of the airport and my hair is like that damn Garnier commercial and my adorable mitten/hat/scarf set is about as useless as my bathing suit is in February. Of course I brush this disappointment off. "Who needs a white Christmas!!??! Or even a seasonably cool one!!? Not me! No sir. It's good to have some warm gulf air for a change."

My other dreams begin to meet the same fate. There doesn't seem to be one that is completely safe. I do get my mug of cocoa, but sans fireplace. Also, it's a little hard to get that cozy feeling when your father has confined you to the kitchen for fear of soiling the precious white carpet. Heaven forbid.
My couch is there, but the toasty is not. Somehow, by some miracle of modern day science, my father has figured out a way to defy the warmth outside and maintain a deceivingly authentic arctic chill inside...without air-conditioning. How does he work such magic? I think it may have to do with the over-abundance of concrete, marble, and glass. Tré modérne, yes. But again, not conducive to holiday-ness.

As for the snacks...i will say the holidays are a time of abundance in the Porto pantry, what with all the gift basket, but I can only consume so much summer sausage, sugared pecans, and maple candies. I need snacks of substance. Where, I ask, are the Hot Pockets® and the Pizza Rolls®?
And so much for cable. TBS is not cable. Of course I could watch a movie, but considering the only ones in the house are about either the Civil War, Teddy Roosevelt, big game hunting in North America, or some ridiculous combination of the three, I'd have to say there's slim pickings. Maybe I'm being a brat here, but I would venture to say that I'm really not.

And it is at this point that the "I HATE IT HERE" sentiment starts to creep in. Cable and snacks is where I draw the line. Why else would I come home? In the face of my misconceptions and self-delusions, I'm forced to lash out and surrender to the annual sulk-a-thon.

They say that familiarity breeds contempt. I say yes, of course. But reintroduction to a familiarity that you've put in a good year of effort to distort brews quite a different, and inherently more toxic strain of contempt.

Moving on to the family. At this point I am quickly losing my optimism, but perhaps it could all be restored!

But of course, no. It was saddening and almost horrifying at times. Even cousins, who I, for some unknown reason, had looked forward to talking to about their adorable high school adventures, were no comfort. Instead they amounted to average angst-ridden teenagers. But at this point it washed over me with not so much as a raised eyebrow. Why not? I don't have cocoa or a fire or even a goddamn Fair Isle sweater to speak of! Why would anything go right?!

I will say though KUDOS to my tidy, respectable mountain of gifts. There I cannot complain. My family can dole out the cash. Effort, thoughtfulness, and originality really do not mean more to me than some green. It, after all, looks good on everyone. And I have to say money is a wonderful gift. It is the ultimate way to not impose your tastes on your recipient.

And least I forget, of course my beautiful Maine Coon is nothing but a mangy, old beast of a cat named Gypsy that would claw your eyes out as soon as look at you.

Now. After all this complaining, one would think that I have once again returned from the holidays, utterly spent and aghast at a reality that was hell bent on dashing my hopes. Years past of course that was the case. But this year was different. I accepted that things are never as you'd like them.

As I embarked on my journey home not only was I not holding onto any false ideals, but also was not dreading some sort of monster. It would be what it would be. My family may be insane, my house maybe cold and wholly unwelcoming, and there may not be any cozy moments by the fire with cocoa, but that's that.

It amazing when you just accept that certain experiences are what they are. Fighting things takes so much energy and blocks you almost entirely from learning anything. I used to return to NY exhausted from what was supposed to be a vacation in the lowest of moods, feeling hopless and that the universe was conspiring against me.

How absolutely desolate.

But no longer!

I must admit, even accepted for what it is, it's still sad and a little tiring, but at least I didn't rexperience the shock of it all. Perhaps it gets easier.

So that leads me to my New Year's Resolution. My New Year's Resolution is always the same; in as much is that it is 'to try'. This year it's 'to try to let go and let things be'...as well as 'to try to floss regularly'...

2006-12-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

It's been a minute.

And I feel that it may be many more minutes due to holiday madness. Whew! Is anyone else feeling the pressure!!??! It's been a stressful, busy one. But I really am not minding it. It's part of the season. Things are supposed to be difficult this time of year.

You may be asking, "Stephanie, how are you handling the holidays with such grace?!?!"

(I highly doubt that you were actually asking that.)

Well, I saw a man on the subway the other day when I was pretty close to throwing my purchases on the tracks and offering up a big HIT THE ROAD to the holiday season. But, this man made me realize, in a really roundabout way, that the only way certain things can be interesting or even worthwhile, is if they're difficult.

Now, you're probably expecting some sort of story of an amputee hobo with a heart of gold. No. All this guy did was tie his shoes..but he did so in the most ass-backwards, complicated way possible that left me completely agog.

So he gets on the train, which is empty and so, consequently, has many seats to offer. However, instead of sitting down, he decides to lean against the door. Odd. But still perfectly acceptable.
As the train pulls away (we're on the 6 by the way, leaving from Astor place, so there's plenty of turns and jerks), he pulls his leg up behind him, as one would do in gym class to stretch.
So he gets his foot as high up on his butt as possible. Which was quite impressive because, mind you, this was not a scrawny guy. Dude is large and in charge. I'm still a little boggled as to how he got his foot so high.

Anyways. So, in this position, with the car rocking like crazy and with eyes ceremoniously closed, he proceeded to tie his shoe. Of course.

At this moment I actually removed my earphones, as if doing so would help me understand the situation.

It sort of did. Although weird as all hell, it was strangely meditative. Here I was freaking out about all the shopping and the parties and the time and money constraints that have been rained down upon me (woe is me), and here comes this guy who has nothing better to do than make simple things difficult for him. He could've just as easily sat down and tied his shoe, but that would be boring! Why not make it interesting.

Now, the correlation that I've formed between my holiday stress and this man's freestyle shoe tying is tenuous at best. But regardless of whether it makes sense, it made me realize that this is sort of what the holidays are now. I'm not a 5-year-old waiting around for my play station. I'm a big girl now, and if I can't find the fun or at least the novelty in my newfound adult holiday role, what good is the season at all? I'm not going to seek out the easy way anymore. That's just setting myself up for disappointment. If I just go after the hard way, then there's not one thing that can blindside me.

MAN. I can not believe I haven't figured this out before.

So, if you need me don't look on Easy St.

xoS

P.S. Have the happiest and most blessed holidays. Tell everyone you love that you do. 'Tis the season.

2006-12-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Steph,

I just started seeing a new guy. Everything is great. Lots of
chemistry and passion...except one thing:
The first time we had sex, he couldn't stay hard, then the second time
We tried it happened again. He's blamed it on a lot of things...being
drunk, being tired, the condom...not being comfortable...everything!
Now, I'm not a patient person, but I've been pretty understanding and
tried to make him feel good etc., but I just don't what to do.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, and I would just dump him, but
we both really like each other. A lot.
Will it get better? Advice please.

-Bonerless in Brooklyn

Dear Bonerless,

Oh I HATE this problem. The only thing comparable is when you finally get down to it and it's over in three point five seconds. ARG (insert fist shaking at sky here).

But anyways, one thing to keep in mind is that when a guy actually likes you he basically sees you as someone he has to wow, in every sense. So if this guy likes you, sleeping with you will mean more to him than just getting his. He wants to impress you. He wants to make the earth move for you. He wants to blow you away you with his man moves.

Uh..right..no pressure..

So, when a problem such as this arises (or doesn't, as it were) it just means that he's clearly doesn’t think he can deliver yet. A guy's mind and body tend to have a primal link. I.e.: when things are less than copacetic in the confidence department, it can manifest itself in this odd defense mechanism, preventing him from give a poor performance by keeping him performing at all.

This reminds me of the first time I slept with one of my exes. It was, to put it nicely, painfully awkward and, well, pretty much devoid of actual sex. I was terrified that I'd found the best guy on the planet, with one GLARING deficiency. I mean, how could we be compatible on all levels, and this be so out of sync!?!?! I truly expected that the consummation of our luuuuuuv would cause the planets to align and world peace would be upon us. How very wrong I was.

But, take heart; this story has a happy ending. Although I wasn't acting consciously (it was more that I was just afraid to go there again), I backed off from "the sex". We continued to hang out and, of course, make out excessively. A couple weeks passed and we got there again. This time it just seemed natural and it was much, MUCH better. From there on out, it only got better.

And she lived happily ever after...

Think of it like this: If the roles were reversed, it would be absolutely required that he be understanding and patient. Show him the same courtesy. It won't always be like this. It's just too soon. Let him let you know when he's ready. Actually, I think it'll be pretty obvious.

I think this is most likely the bulk of the issue, but of course there could be some real physical factors, such as being drunk or condoms. So of course, the next time you go at it, be sober. It'll be more enjoyable and memorable.

And although I don't advocate unsafe sex, if you're planning on having a monogamous relationship, you both could get tested. If you aren't, you could go on birth control, and just let him hit it raw. Nothing says ‘youz my manz’ quite like that.

Just be aware the older a guy gets, the more refined he'll be. He isn't a 17-year-old jackrabbit anymore that can be ready at the drop of some pants.

xoxoS

2006-12-04T18:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Stephanie,

What's up with dudes? why are they always trying to purposely piss me
off?
last night i had one say to me "its entertaining, i just really want to
push your buttons"
now, i know that if i give a great reaction, it will warrant more
"button pushing," but honestly, i don't feel my reaction to his
incessant teasing was so off-par with a normal reaction that blame
should rest in my corner.
this dude was one of those "give 'em a hard time and they'll like you
more" dudes. and why does this work? i wasn't falling all over him, but
the rest of the party was. i mean, at one point, he was sitting on a
couch with two girls on either side of him, AND a girl on his lap. W T
F. seriously! he wasn't the best dude. i am the best girl. i don't get
it.

i mean, what does a girl have to do to get a bone around here?
(literally!)
i just feel like, why can dudes play the ultimate asshole card and
still have girls lining up to suck their dicks?
gah!

another example. last week i had a guy (a guy i've known for probably a
year and only really see out. one of those "i know we'll hook-up one
day" sort-of-types. you know?
anyways, we've been getting close to that point lately. but we're
sitting down at a bar, having a conversation, and i'm like "but why did
you send me that email that just basically insulted me" and he's all
"because i have to be an asshole. if i'm nice to you, you won't want to
talk to me anymore."
i'm sorry, what??! is this really true? why why why? if i am a mega
bitch people just run away. was the world really made for men? and why
can't i seem to figure out how to play the system?
i need help!

thanks in advance,
Too Many Buttons (?)

Dear Buttons McGee,

Step One:
Stop caring.
Step Two:
Aim higher

If only it were that easy, right?

So, you feel like you're spinning your wheels? Not getting anywhere?? Never making any headway???
Well...you aren't. So, why still dedicate your time?
I don't doubt that your reaction wasn't far off from how any other girl would react..but maybe other girls are wasting their time as well.

Something about the situation isn't working out for you. And I really don't think the whole problem is "what's up with dudes?". It's more "what's up with those dudes and what's so special about them and why do you even care????".

If you'd really like to fix the problem, I'd stop aiming low.

Granted, you're attracted to who you're attracted to and sometimes a certain type comes along with certain faults...I personally go for the ridiculously beautiful, outrageously wealthy, international party hopping set. However, these tend to come along with a rather exhausting schedule.
Le sigh..
BUT, since I've chosen to go after this particular coterie, I suck it up and just catch up on my zzzzz on the concord.

So, correspondingly, if you want to go for the jerky boys, acknowledge that you are going for the jerky boys and don't expect them to be knights in shining armor.

You can't make a pile of shit sparkle like a diamond, as they say.

So, stop exhausting yourself with these guys that insist on tormenting you or stop exhausting yourself with trying to recondition them. They are who they are.

Only YOU can prevent forest fires.

Make of that what you will.

2006-11-22T12:07:00.000-05:00

How befitting.

Dear Stephanie,
What happens if you feel like you let Mr. Right slip through your fingers?
Circumstances aside & you were really compatible, I mean there was something really there..
How do you get him back? Is there a way to get him back?
Or if it's over should you let sleeping dogs lie..
Sincerely,
Miss. Wrong

Dear Miss Wrong,
First off, you're not Miss Wrong. I realize times like these are prime for the "I completely suck" parties. You'll be best off if you realize quickly that these do no one any good. All the questions in your head (maybe if I hadn't done this, or said that, or been this way...) are ultimately useless. You can't change the way things went down.

You can however, learn from it. If he really was someone special and his opinion was something you valued on lots of other topics, keep that in mind. Try not to dismiss it just because it's something you really don't want to hear. Of course, I could be burned at the stake for heresy for saying so, but not everything guys come up with is pulled directly from their asses.

I hope no ones head has exploded.

Your energy would be best spent assessing why it failed. This could yield one of two results:
Things ended because of some *thing* that you did wrong. This could include, but is not limited to, cheating, lying, setting up a meth lab in his bathroom, whatever. In the event that this is the case, apologizing, groveling, and gift giving could work. Remember that the gift should be equal to or of greater value than the offense. So, if you put regular milk on his cereal instead of soy and he had a severe allergic reaction, buy him a soy milk cow and pay his emergency room bills. BUT. If you cheated on him with his mom... Well, you better have a yacht and a Penthouse pet stashed in your rainy day jar...and even then, God hep you.

However, if, as is the case most of the time, there were just some issues you had that somehow inhibited a healthy progression of the relationship, your time is better spent focusing on these things. Alone.
I would, for the time being, let it go. Focus on learning what you can from this relationship for yourself, and not just in the hopes that he will come back when you've "fixed the problem". If the connection was there then maybe it can work again one day, but right now something just isn't working for him. Respect that.
And you never know...maybe the space and time will help you see whether he was really the right one for you.

Also, you can't really put circumstances aside. Relationships don't exist in vacuums. It's the bumps and the issues and the problems that reveal our selves and either bring us together or pull us apart. You can't say, "Well if I didn't have such and such hang-up..." or "If he didn't work so much..." Those things are as much a part of the relationship as anything else. When all is said and done, the million of reasons aren't really the point. It's whether you two value the realtionship enough to get past those hurdles.

It always comes down to the good vs. the bad, the investment vs. return. There has to be a balance.

Keep in mind that you deserve someone that, in spite of all the problems that can happen, is still there because it's worth it.

xoStephanie

2006-11-21T18:04:00.000-05:00

Far from junk mail.

Stephanie,
I have a friend who is a good friend and also happens to be a coworker and possibly my boss. I hate her boyfriend. I HATE him. We all hate him, and no one feels like it's their place to tell her that he treats her like she is inferior and he acts like an arrogant yet insecure 14 year old and offends everyone daily. He is horrible and no one can figure out what she sees in him. She is very wonderful. WTF, what do I do? When is it time to step in??
Sincerely,
Concerned Co-worker

Dear Concerned,

Boy, do I know where you're coming from. These are tough situations. You're boss is someone you look up to. Seeing, or furthermore, pointing out "weaknesses" is not an easy thing to do.

However, it isn't impossible.
You say she is a friend. Friends talk, or at least that's what I hear. If you should find yourself in a conversation with her and she even ever so slightly alludes to troubles on the home front, jump on it.
Well, don't jump on it, but make it obvious that you would love to be confided in.

Boss/Friend: Le sigh...Mr. X is such a jerk.
You: Really? Why do you say so? (Or something to that effect.)

Basically, let her come to you. Even if she weren’t your boss I would say so. Unsolicited opinions often times feel more like judgments rather than genuine concern.

If she absolutely refuses to vent around you or any of your co-workers and you just can not stand idly by any longer, then you can try putting yourself out there, but be cautious. You never know what you're stepping into.
When you know something's happened, ask her if she'd like to go to lunch. Don't go directly to Mr. X right away, but do get there. Ask her how everything is and just narrow it down until you get to le jerk.
If she skirts you again by saying things are fine with them, you can do one of two things. Either call bullshit and tell her what you think forthright.
Or take the hint. If she really wanted your opinion she would ask for it.

All in all she's probably very embarrassed, sensitive about, and bewildered by the situation. However it's approached, keep that in mind as well as the fact that although you have a different (and 9 times out of 10 better) perspective of what's happening, that doesn't necessarily mean you have all the answers.

2006-11-15T12:18:00.000-05:00

Another question! I'm getting so popular!!

FROM THE DESK OF Mr.**********
BILL AND EXCHANGE
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA ( BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO

Dear Friend,

Compliments,

I am Mr. **********
The manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA. I am writting to seek your coperation over this business deal. In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum ofU.S$12.6 million dollars(Twelve Millon six Hundred Thousand US Dollars)only , in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in a plane crash,the Late Mr. ********* ,a citizen of Taiwan but naturalised in Burkinafaso,WestAfrica and He was the Governor of Taiwan Central(Reserve)

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because it cannot be released unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately , all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you via your foreign bank account as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and this money could go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after four years, the money will betransfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund.The request for your assistance and maximum co-operation as a foreign citizen to stand as the next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. 30 % of this money will be for you as my foreign partner, inrespect to the provision of a foreign account. 10 %will be set aside for expences incured during the business and 60 % would be for me.There after I will come over to your country for
disbursement accoding to the percentages indicated.

Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged,you must apply first to the bank as the relation or next of kin to the deceased,indicating your claims and wherein the money will be remitted . Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of application which you will fill and submit to the office of the foreign remittance director of the bank of africa. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is stricly confidential and i will use my position in this Bank to effect a hitch free transfer of the fund. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.
Please , visit the website below for more informations about the Plane Crash and the tragic death of the deceased and his entire family, Late Mr. *********
.

website:/www.cnn.com/WORLD/9802/16/taiwan.crash.update2

Your’s faithfully,
Mr. ***********

Dear Mr. Bank of Africa Manager,

I'm so touched that you would reach out to me with such an immense problem. No doubt you are in need of my assistance. How sad that such an important client AND his entire family would die in that horrible way, but also how unfortunate that you would be left to tie up such large loose ends. I offer my deepest apologies.

As for the business proposal, although I am flatterd that you would trust me so much even without any experience in anything remotely like this (or even without knowing me at all) AND think so very much of my blooming career as a advice columnist that you would want to fund it so generously, I really must decline. It's not that I don't have the utmost confidence that you have only the best intentions and this would be mutually beneficial, it's just that I am sure there are much better causes this money could go to.

However, my decision still leaves the pickle of what to do with all this money. It really is quite a lot. So, please, let me offer some alternatives. There are some wonderful charities out there, especially in Africa. That's like two birds!! You're doing something great for the world and you don't even have to go bothering yourself about all the international money laundering nonsense.
Some charities that are close to my heart are Art For Animals (http://www.artfortheanimals.org/), Women In Progress (http://www.womeninprogress.org/), and AIDS Children In Africa (http://aids-children.org/). There are literally hundreds more, but I hope these will help you get the ball rolling!!!

I must also offer another teensy piece of advice. SPELLCHECK!!!! I don't mean to be persnickety, but I can't stress how important this is! Especially with the severity of the matters which you're proposing. It sounds like you are dealing with big-wig business deals left and right. A great way to really put someone off is to not take the time to deliver a carefully written, incisive letter. Either way, it speaks volumes about your regard for the recipient.

So, my dear friend, I hope that I have helped you come to a decision. Thank you again for your query. Whatever you decide to do please keep me updated as to what happens next!!

Sincerely,
Stephanie

I must shout out Ms. Erin Bradley for inspiring me to take these guys just as seriously as any other person out there. Junk mails are people too.

2006-11-10T17:36:00.000-05:00

My first real question. God bless you.

Dear Stephanie,
How much information is too much information? In what circumstances should someone stick a cork in it? is it truly that horrible to be honest? Why are men specifically "grossed out" and put off by honesty? What is "playing hard to get" all about? Really...
Sincerely,
Just trying to keep it real

Dear Just trying to keep it real,
I'm going to act on a hunch here. My guess is that you've been told you aren't a catch at some point. I'm going to say that you may have been rejected recently after a big investment and are feeling like no one will ever love you again once they get to know "the real you". NOT TRUE.
I know that when I rush into spilling my guts I'm just feeling so nervous and vulnerable I cant help but thinking "Yeah this is all fun now, but let's just get on with the inevitable."

I do not reccomend this. It has yet to work.

We all have traits that are less than appealing and as you get older and are in relationship after relationship, you can go one of two ways: you can start to think of these habits as permanent parts of who you are, or you can realize that you can choose learn from break-ups and adjust what you truly think ought to be.

Aside from everything, this is a NEW relationship. A blank slate. Game over, start again.
How much information is too much information? That's up to you. For me, I try not to offer up something unless it's clear that someone is ready to hear it. That's not to say they get to set the speed at which you dive but it is to say you need to recognize and respect where the other person in the relationship (any relationship) is at. If, three months into dating him, he's yet to tell you anything more personal than his last name, he's probably not ever going to open up and you should just walk away. You don't need everyone to know you're deepest secrets. However, if we're talking a couple weeks and he reacted poorly to hearing the whole of your psychiatric history, let's not label him a block of ice just yet.

Let me let you in on a secret that I've learned: When you talk about any problem at all, 9 times out of 10 all a guy hears is "fix it".

Perhaps that will help you to know when to stick a cork in it.
Also, as awful as it sounds dating, early on, is like a job interview: you want to put your best foot forward because you want the position. Would you say to a boss right off the bat that you aren't good at x, y, z in the hopes that it will save surprises down the road? No. You would realize that in the past you didn't succeed at x. y. z but that was then and this is a new job and you've learned from then. So when your weak points come to the surface at this new job you'll most likely know what to do. And your boss will be none the wiser...So keep the lip zipped about your past failures. And who knows, maybe you will face them but surprise yourself as you rise to the challange graciously, rather than falling on your stupid face.

Keep in mind that you aren't new at this. You have experience. You aren't apt to make the same mistakes. So don't go holding on to them and announcing them to everyone that comes along. Let them decide what they think of you from their experiences with you.

As for being honest, it is the best policy. THE BEST. But just because you keep something to yourself, you aren't neccesarily being dishonest. Like I said, you might go blabbing about something that just isn't true of you anymore. I know I'm a completely different person if I just change my shoes.
If you're asked specifically about your past, then answer the questions. If he chooses to judge you for it, remind him that he asked and also what's done is done and that it (probably) didn't have anything to do with him. But, honestly...honestly...a confidant man doesn't care about your past. They just don't.

This is separate from "playing hard to get". That's just a game of cat and mouse that makes things spicey, if you like that sort of thing..

So, keep it real. But most importantly, keep it here and now...not then.

2006-11-09T16:39:00.000-05:00

WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES!

My advice for today is to get a dog...or any pet really.
Honestly, my dog, even though she has deprived me of sleep, bitten me, nearly bankrupt me, and generally been a pain in my ass sometimes, has never (NOT ONCE) ignored a phone call from me.
I pour my soul into caring for her, loving her, making sure she's comfortable and she just gives back. She knows what I give to her and she appreciates it. No bullshit about maybe I'm not the one she's always envisioned rubbing her belly. No. I rub it and I rub it right and that's all she wrote.
I've never come home to a lukewarm reception. Even if I've just gone across the street, when I walk through that door it's Christmas in her eyes.

It's the perfect relationship and it's made me realize one thing: I am NOT mad at crazy old cat ladies.

How could I be? I feel them. A pet is the best friend you could have. There is no confusion. There is always reciprocity. ALWAYS. If you do your part, they do theirs. There's no "You aren't The One."

Granted, anyone with a some bacon could also be The One, but there's no "You aren't The One." or "I've changed my mind." or "I've had a bad day and I'm going to dump it on you." or just simply, "I'm an asshole." ...ok, sometimes she does say that.

I hope I'm not being too transparent.

No? Phew.

So, get a dog. If you have any doubt as to how anyone you invite into the temple that is your heart should act, just take a cue from our small friends and take no shit. Just start biting. And then pee on the rug.

2006-11-08T17:52:00.000-05:00

Although there has been no barrage of questions, I figure I shouldn't let that slow the roll that is blogging.

Even if there isn't a specific question that I'm answering, I'll offer up what's been swimming in my head.

I recently bought the complete series of The Wonder Years on DVD (I know) and I've been watching young Kevin go through some pretty tough stuff. He actually brings up some interesting points that I know I went through. I mean, my voice never dropped or anything like that, but there are some universal points there.
In particular dear Kevin said last night "Eighty-four was about as incomprehensible to me as say, twenty-four and one hundred and four. I mean, what does that mean?". This was in response to an aunt who died at 84 and his trying to understand what living that long meant.
I think about this all the time. When I was little I had this idea of "adult". I guess my vision was around mid-twenties or so...basically me now, but now that I'm here, not me at all. I didn't really know what that age was about, but it was there and there I was. I was always on the phone, my hair was in a bun, and I always had a pencil skirt and shoulder pads on. I was an adult.
His line rang so clear and right to the core. It made me realize that my visions are still pretty vague. I look at 34 and I see myself on the phone, sans bun, pencil skirt, and shoulder pads, with the addition of a baby on my hip. Incidentally, that's what 44 looks like too.
My point being, when can we really bring the future into focus? Does everyone think of this? Am I alone here? I assume that the more I live, the more it will take the shape I would like it to and the less my predictions will be off (shoulder pads?! did I really think that was a lasting trend?).
I guess it just shows me that 24 years isn't enough time to set it all up and put on the cruise control. Did I ever really believe that it would be though?

2006-11-06T17:01:00.000-05:00

Oh and...as per usual, I've thought of everything.

To ensure your privacy, please write to weareverywellthankyou@yahoo.com

I'm so excited.

2006-11-06T16:05:00.000-05:00

My first OFFICIAL blog. Myspace doesn't count. Not anymore at least. On to bigger and better things. No more surveys interspersed with the occasional story of my weekends...well. At least not here. And so then I guess I can't very well say "no more.." about something that never was.

I've gone crossed eyed..in under ten sentences, no less. That's talent.

At any rate, we've got a purpose here. This will (hopefully eventually) become a space for others. Anyone who knows me knows I talk too much about myself. Imagine Tyra, Oprah, and the seagulls from Finding Nemo all rolled into one giant fruit roll-up of me me me me me..

But all (good?) things must end. Or at least be balanced out. I still want to talk about what I think, but if all goes well, it will be what I think about you. And if all goes miraculously, what I think will make sense.

So, please feel free to write to me. Ask me questions. Tell me stories. Or just spill your guts when you don't think anyone else will know what to say.

Just please don't call me Carrie...